Come now, Private Eye, I thought you better than trite boomerism.
What’s the fastest liquid on earth?
Milk. Its pasteurized before you can see it
I showed up at the weekly Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting…
…but all the seats were already taken.
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
“What’s your wage?” asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
A prosthetics company was going out of business.
It was on its last legs.
If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called?
CELLphies Ok, Im leaving
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
My ex- rapper friend decided to stop his gardening business because he was really careless with his tools.
He has hoes in different area codes.
What do you call a sword that doesn’t weigh much?
A light saber
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you’re alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
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I’ve been having sex with my boss
It's one of the many benefits of being self employed
Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her!
News paper comics can be funny sometimes but they’re easily subject to boomers.
https://ift.tt/2wT7Fdw
Why are we running out of toilet paper?
Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.
I met the woman of my dreams in Korea
She's my Seoul mate
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
It’s probably not safe for me to be driving this car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.” “No, I wouldn’t,” he said. She said, “I sell tampons.” With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
What do you call a 5 foot psychic that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
https://ift.tt/3cqErSG
I took a bath with bubbles
No text found
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
Elon Musk says he is going to pull Tesla out of California
Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out
A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says “What’s your pleasure?”.
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
An Irish Daughter…
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a prostitute…." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and…." Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug.
My dad is forbidden from buying alcohol since he started working in the coal mine
They don't sell alcohol to miners
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One is a superhero, the other is a command.