Come on Democritus
My grandfather’s last words were “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”
That spoke volumes.
Why should you never be abducted by a group of mime artists
Because they'll do unspeakable things to you.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr.Awkward.
I had to replace my chain saw
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
I’m afraid of confusing words that sound the same but spelled differently.
I’m homophonophobic.
Three girls all had boyfriends with the same name, so in order to avoid confusion, they decided to give the boys nicknames.
The first girl said: "I call my man 7-Up." "Why do you call him that?" asked her friends. "Because he’s seven inches long and is always up." The second girl said: "I call my man Mountain Dew." "Why do you call him that?" said the other two. "Because he likes to mount me and do me!" The third girl said: "I call my man Jack Daniels." The others look at her in bewilderment and say: "Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." "Exactly."
Son asks his father what a Vagina looks like.
Father: Before or after sex? Son: I don't know what that means? Father: Well there are two different types Son: Umm, before sex. Father: Oh well it looks like an Orchid at dawn just as the sun hits it, with dew drops on it, in a Botanical garden in Spring. Son: Oh woah. What does it look like after sex? Father: It looks like a bulldog just ate a jar of mayonnaise.
A guy starts at a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
There’s an air base in Massachusetts. I’ve flown above it a few times
Over Andover again
SHE: Undress me with your words…
HE: There's a spider in your bra.
I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, “Olympic.” Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife…
"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!" Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!" "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily. "Gold of course!" I said proudly. She retorted, "Really?! Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Did you know that cucumbers are good for your memory ?
Because I got one stuck in my ass a couple years ago and me, my family and doctor still remember it vividly
Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.
(This particular god carries a large hammer) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man. God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes. Man: What?! Just three? I want at least 10 wishes. God: Are you mad, mortal? Have you forgotten your place? I am offering you three, take it or leave it. Man: Ok, I'll take three but you have to give me your word. You can't backtrack on any of these. God: Do you doubt my power? I can do anything. Of course I won't backtrack. I give you my word. Man: First wish, I wish that the hammer in your hand would turn into a stick. God: (laughing) You really are insane. All the things in the whole world and you wish for this?? Ok whatever, here you go. Hammer turns into stick. Man: Now I wish that you put that stick up your arse. God: (furiously) What?!! How dare you ask for such a thing. Man:You gave me your word. This is my second wish. You have to do it. God: (hesitantly) Ok fine. Puts the stick up his arse. Man: Now dear Sucellus, are you giving me my ten wishes or you want me to turn that stick back into hammer again.
It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone
A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says “What’ll it be today?” The bear says “give me a gin and…………………….tonic” The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?” The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “
If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only…
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
Where does a poor italian live?
In Spaghetto
Some people really like Orion’s Belt
But I think it's just a big waist of space. Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.
What do you call a belt made out of hundred dollar bills?
A waist of money.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Dishes. Dishes who?
This is Sean Connery.
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
Three logicians enter a bar
The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?" The first one said: "I don't know." The second also said: "I don't know." The third one said: "Yes."
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?
All the indoor fins.
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.
It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
What do you call a shoe made from a banana?
A slipper!
If you only sucked average sized penises…
You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.
Kid: Dad, let me be frank…. and if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be super pissed.
Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.
