Comedic masterpiece found on Facebook
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
No text found
I’ll do algebra and geometry
But graphing is where I draw the line
My credit card company sent me a camouflaged bull.
It’s the hidden charges you have to watch out for.
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold. Edit: ARRRR! Me farst gold! Much love me matey!
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.
He ate it before it was cool. 🤦🏻♂️
I was surprised when the coffee I ordered tasted just like mud.
The barista told me it was fresh ground.
What does a janitor and a car have in common
They both go broom broom
Thor doesn’t get drunk…
He gets hammered.
On which side do chickens have the most feathers…
The outside.
KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!”
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
What’s the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
Depth perception
When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself…
But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.
What did the instructor that was a ghost say to his students?
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….
At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.
He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot." Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well. He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it." Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch. He said, "There is no punch line."
Shout Out To My Grandpa
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me
Im not a fan of hats…
They are too "over the top."
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant…
She said, “Thanks dad, that means a great deal.”
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go?
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives.
Guy runs into a bar, yells “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
Why don’t blind people pick up their guide-dog’s poop?
Because they can't see shit.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A Four-chin teller.
