Comedy genocide
My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.
A dad joke. How did I do?
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
![A wrong turn on the water cycle [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/uwdt5iu2pc441-400x530.jpg)
Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?
Because one more bean would be too farty.
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, “Caution, I’m a maneater”. I walked up to the girl and timidly said, “Excuse me, Miss…about your shirt.”
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt." I looked at her, confused and said,"That's actually not what I was going to say at all." "Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?" "That's not how you spell manatee."
No girl from Alabama is into doing reverse cowgirl
They don’t like turning their back on family
What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper walk down the sidewalk?
It got stuck in the cracks. (Made up by my 10 year old.)
I broke up with my college girlfriend because she was obsessed with finding the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
I tripped over my wife’s bra….
…It seemed to be a booby trap.
My wife’s leaving me because she says I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa…
Kenya believe it? I'm Ghana miss her.
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?
Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
The Doctor asks the patient: “Does your head hurt?”
Patient: "Yes it does, doctor." Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on all of their ships?
So when they come back to port, they can scandanavian
This girl I met on Tinder had a tattoo of a seashell on her innerthigh
If you put your ear against it and listened closely, you could smell the sea.
I was working out my calves at the gym today.
The instructor said, "How the hell did you bring the cows here?"
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months…….
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Did you know piranhas can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Naked painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?
ICU baby, shakin' that ass!
How often do people die in hospitals?
Just once.
I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
Vaccinated kids are more likely to have autism
Because they're still alive.
So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too High
She looked surprised.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
It’s amazing how seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid January and I’m freezing.
But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
What’s the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it’s been fired