Comedy is cancelled, nothing will compare to this ever again
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know…
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?" Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry." The policeman fainted.
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
Up until today, I only knew two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence. Then, today, I heard a new one.
It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
In French we don’t say ‘ninety nine’…
..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away its broom.
During this pandemic I’m buying lots of stocks.
Beef stock, chicken stock, fish stock. Soon I'm going to be a bouillon-ere!
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
How is performing cunnilingus similar to being in the mafia?
One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
I have many jokes about unemployed people,
sadly none of them work.
Two balloons in the desert.
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
What’s funnier than the plague?
This week? Just about anything.
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
nothing tops a plain pizza
No text found
I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.
It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
I never thought my son would steal road signals
But when I got home all the signs were there
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well I’ll be damned.
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
Scientists have invented artificial vocal cords.
The result speaks for itself.
Make sure to lift your left foot up at midnight tonight.
Start 2020 off on the right foot.
Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks. Kim stares at him. The ducks start flying away. Kim turns to his Minister of Defense. "Shoot the ducks!" he orders. The Minister of Defense raises his shotgun, shoots at the flock of ducks, and misses. Kim stares angrily at him, grabs his own shotgun, raises it, fires, and misses. Immediately the Minister of Propaganda shouts "Look! Flying dead ducks!"