comedy silver
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
I was embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Why do riot police arrive early to the protests?
… so they can beat the crowds!
Earlier I spotted an albino Dalmatian…
It was the least I could do for him.
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know
A 300 page novel with a 50 page introductory essay written by the author walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long preface?"
“From a neighbor who posts dad jokes on little signs in his front yard. Started during the isolation to cheer up the community”
“COVID19 DAY20 Ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know”
My dad died recently.
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him…
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
Driving past a farm, I said to the kids, “Those are expert horses…”
"… They're out standing in their field."
Once I was in a band called teenage bed
We never made it.
Boyfriend asks Girlfriend
B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?" G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?" B: "I would also stay with your sister"
I’m having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.
Let me know if you can't come.
At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me…
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present
Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
Why are the stakes so high?
Because the cows ate a lot of grass.
What happens when an egg laughs?
It cracks up!
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired
Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
My wife is like a newspaper…
there is a new issue every single day.
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours
They called it a day
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.
His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
I was in New Mexico and a cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows.
I replied, "Yes of course, that'd be 20 cows."
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
What do you call a gay couch?
A homo sectional
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics…
It's the best thing since sliced beard…