Comedy
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice…
Didn’t really work though, I only got 20% off
-Dad, can I wash the car with you?
-I don't know son, why can't you just use a sponge?
I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old…
Any tips for burying him?
I was never good at telling dad jokes
Probably because he was never around
I call my horse Mayo.
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
My friend tried to convince me “whey” is spelled “whfey”
There's no f in whey
I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.
It's called 'Facebook'
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
“That one about the guy…”
I was having a bad time once and my friend felt the need to comfort me. He said "cheer up, it could be worse. You could be stuck at the bottom of a deep hole filled with water." I knew he meant well.
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
He's disqualified.
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore…
Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah of course all the while I’m denying it. She’s all red in the face screaming at me But my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon? Nah I’m just kidding, my sister doesn’t have kids Anymore
A man’s wife accuses him of “testiculating”
"What the hell is testiculating?" the man asks. Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!" The man considers this for a moment. "Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?" "Yes," his wife answers. "Why?" The man nods. "I thought so. You're ovaryacting."
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My wife kicked me out of the house because I’m still singing Christmas songs.
I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."
My wife thinks I’m a light sleeper. I disagree.
I sleep in the dark.
Had to explain what irony was to someone at church.
Apparently, "Being a carpenter and getting nailed to a wooden cross" isn't a good example.
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
