Comeuppance I guess ?
I got mugged by six dwarves last night
Not Happy.
I work in a shop called The Masochist.
I hate it so much that I work there seven days a week.
A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.
Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says âwanna bang?â To which the nun replies âhell noâ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, âwell every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell her that she must bang you to go to heaven, you are set to goâ. Excited, the man goes out And buys the best God costume in the country.Later that night, dressed as God, the man tiptoes into the cemetery and sees the nun praying.Having recited his lines, he goes to the nun and says, âif you want to go to heaven, we must bangâ. To his surprise, the nun agreed and they proceeded to have rough anal sex. After he finished, he threw off his God costume and proclaimed, âaha! It is I! The Man from the bus!â The nun threw off its clothes and proclaimed, âaha! It is I! The bus driver!â
A guy gets hit by a car.
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.
Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.
My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but Iâm kind of nervous…
Iâve never met herbivore.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
Itâs quite bazaar
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most of then just have 4.
Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t call his parents Mom and Dad.
He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
Wife to husband… Take off my heels….
He does as instructed. Wife: now take off my blouse…. He does it.. Wife : now take off my skirt…. He does it. Wife : now take off bra. He does it. Wife : now take off my panties.. He does it.. Wife : Now don't you ever wear my clothes again.
Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19
This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.
This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesnât break any rules
Taiwan:I am China China:No I am China Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan China:No you are China
I got banned from the secret cooking societyâŚ
For spilling the beans.
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. âHaÂÂ! Thatâs not going to help,â she laughed.
âSure, it does.â I said. âItâs the only way I can see the numbers.â
What’s the similarity between a woman living in Saudi Arabia and Amsterdam?
They both get stoned after sex
A teacher asked her students to share what their dads do for a living.
Little Johnny said, "My dad's a stripper at a gay nightclub and he turns tricks in the alley way to earn extra money." The teacher was Mortified and after class she pulls little Johnny aside and ask, "Johnny is your dad really a stripper at a gay night club?!" Little Johnny said, "No. He's a reporter for CNN but I was too ashamed to say that."
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
Donald Trump
[removed]
If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
Heâs standing right behind you.
E Minor is Spooky.
It always gives me the E B G Bs.
Is âbuttcheeksâ one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don’t know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?
Three guys interviewing to be a detective. The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that" He calls them into his office one by one. The first guy goes in and is shown a picture of a recently captured criminal. Tattooed face, large scar, he's quite recognisable. The inspector says, "Take a close look, and I want you to memorize and remember all the features that will help you identify this man in a crowd" After a minute, the man is done. The Inspector turns the picture over and says, "Well, go on, describe him to me" The man responds, "Well it wouldn't be hard to find this guy, given that he has only one ear". The inspector stares blankly, turns the picture over and says, "What sort of a moron are you? This is a side profile of the man.. don't tell me you thought… ugh, get out and stop wasting my time!" The second guy is called in and given the same challenge. After his minute he says, "Well, I couldn't really focus on much other than the fact that he has only one eye" Visibly frustrated, the inspector bellows, "What is wrong with you people, do you not know what a side profile is?! Get out, and call the last guy in!!" The last guy comes in and is given the same challenge. The inspector adds, "You know what, take 5 minutes.. and think carefully before you answer" 5 minutes later, the young man turns the picture over himself and says, "You know, I'll bet he wears contact lenses" The inspector scrunches his eyebrows and then squints at the young man in silence for a few moments. Not wanting to potentially get embarrassed, he excuses himself to go check the man's criminal profile. 2 minutes later, he steps back in. A pleased but puzzles look on his face, he says, "Well, yes.. yes he does wear contacts lenses. How could you tell?" Visibly delighted with himself, the young man beams back with a smile, "Oh, it took a while to think of it, but there's no way he could wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear"
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
Whatâs the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that … finally …
I have fortitude.
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
No carpet!
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
