Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
So they can scan-di-navian
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
They changed my mind
What a liar! I opened the fridge and it's working just fine.
Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.
Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of the room, he instead will be trapped inside forever. The first man, being a lifelong alcoholic, is presented with a room identical to his favorite drinking spot. Some of his old drinking buddies are present, along with infinitely replenishing spirits of all kinds! The first man is ecstatic and, thinking it will be an easy feat, runs inside and slams the door behind him. The second man, known for being quite the pervert, immediately feels his blood start pumping as the second door is opened. Inside are women of every shape, size, color, you name it. Every woman this man has ever fantasized about is here, ready to obey his every command. Without a word the second man rushes inside, closing the door behind him. Now the third man, having been a cannabis connoisseur for most of his life, stands in awe of the marvel before him. Inside his room is a forest containing every strand of marijuana conceivable; the shrubs are the most beautiful green hues, ebitting the stickiest of smells; the ground is littered with the highest quality nuggs, the dirt is hash rocks and kief, and the trees are actually twenty foot tall plants. The stoner can't wait to get eternally stoned and happily jaunts inside his room. 1,000 years pass… Satan, being a man of his word, decides to check on each of the men. He opens the door to the first man's room, only to find the most disgusting mess he had ever seen: blood, booze, and bodily fluids create a disgusting miasma throughout the room. Broken glass litters the floor, and the man's once-friends lie dead in various states of decay. After searching for a while, Satan happens upon the man, shrivelled up and nestled in a pile of bottles, crying and bleeding profusely. The man's wracking sobs stop as his trembling lips work to form a sentence: "P-please… Get m-me out of here…" Satan, a man of his word, reminds the man of the condition upon which he was imprisoned, and having broken his end of the bargain, the man is trapped inside eternally. "The second man must have done better than that one", Satan thinks to himself while opening the second door. Moments later, hundreds upon thousands of people come flooding out, men, women, children of all creeds, along with the scents of human waste and burnt flesh. Eventually Satan sees the man he locked in here riding the wave of people. "Get me out of here!" The man screams, and Satan seals the door forever. The third door is all that remains now; as Satan opens it, he sees the stoner meditating in the center of the forest, surrounded by a pool of tears. The forest had been untouched for the full thousand years. Satan is understandably quite confused! The stoner opens his eyes in disbelief and runs over to Satan, and shaking him by the collar he says: "Do you have a lighter, man?!"
She was a mathemachicken.
IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!
So he goes up to the captain and asks "What do you guys use when you get horny?" The captain says: "There's a barrel over there with a hole in it; we use that". Guy: "Great when can I use it?" Captain: "You can use it any day of the week, except Tuesday". Guy: "Why not Tuesday?" The captain grinned and said: "Cause that's your day in the barrel."
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass
He had special kneads.
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
Apparently nursing homes have “strict rules” about what you can do with the patients.
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
He’s too self absorbed.
This is known as many paws
Such a random way to start a conversation.
Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. “T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL”
I said, can't turn that down.
It was bread in captivity.
Until they buried yo momma.
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
They both never get old.