It’s really weird playing Uno with a Mexican.
They never get any green cards.
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass
The doctor described his condition as stable
Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Why are people from Ohio good at finding a spouse?
Because they can go from Dayton to Marion in less than two hours.
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because…
…of the indoor fins…
Why did China get invaded?
They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well…uh…that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Bro, do you want a pamphlet?
Brochure!
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite
I wasn't untill I got home I realised that I picked 7-up
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
I discovered eggs Benedict is best served on a vintage hubcap.
Because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?
He trained.
Iβm so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.
Im beside myself
My Science Teacher donβt know science
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
My infant son crapped his pants while I was voting today.
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
I think Helium hates my jokes.
He doesnβt react to any of them.
A German got pulled over by the Police in France.
Police Officer: Name? German: Heinrich Klimt Police officer: Age? German: 32 Police Officer: Occupation? German: No, no. Just visiting.
My wife hasn’t said a word to me in 6 days.
What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
Iβm the spokesperson
What do you do when you are feeling rough?
Go to the dogtor!
A gay couple is traveling on a plane. Let’s call them Steve and Bill.
"What if we had sex?" asks Steve. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it…" "Nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!" Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?" Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc. "They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill. So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass…"
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride…
The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons." JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger, "Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?" "Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob. "Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep" JimBob considers for a moment, then says "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea." "Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
What do you call a beehive that has no exits?
Un-bee-leavable
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.
At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!
Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.
I was recently asked to name two structures that contain water
I responded "Well, dam"
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.
Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.
My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but Iβm not impressed.
I have had a Canon printer for years.