Coming to a Wendy’s near you!
My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.
On top of it, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
https://ift.tt/2vazgX4
Dad joke
Wife: I'm pregnant. Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
What has three legs and four arms?
My son's shit drawing of a snake.
My doctor told me I was going deaf 2 years ago
Haven't heard from him yet
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
Did you hear the one about Oedipus and Midas?
It was motherfucking gold.
My son asked me and my SO why koala’s aren’t considered bears
I told him they don't have tge right koalafications. My SO sighed and left the room… She hasn't talked to me in 45min, guess that's how you know it's a dadjoke?
The Ultimate Blonde Joke
A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?' The cop says, "You know – it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it". The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop".
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away. The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual. Then came another gloriously beautiful evening — red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze — again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said, "Um… would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
My wife was in labour and started shouting “Wouldn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
PEOPLE THERE IS STILL A PANDEMIC!!!
Only 25 looters per store please.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad
Peter and a genie walk into a bar
The genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Peter answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.”
What is Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It’s fucking r/aww
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable
When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.
He said, “Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.”
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.