Commenting code be like
Mistaken identity
A guy goes into a drug store looking for some disinfectant. He walks up to an employee in a white uniform and asks her "Excuse me, do you sell any products here that will kill the Corona Virus?" She says, "ammonia cleaner". . . He replies, "Oh sorry to bother you, I thought you were a pharmacist."
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
Despite what you think, earthquakes aren’t perfect
They all have their faults.
After nearly three weeks of trying, my wife finally told me, “I’m pregnant!”
She really has the worst stutter ever.
This panda is hurt!
Quick! Someone call the bamboolance.
German Dream
We were talking about the American dream in class and the teacher said to a German boy if he had a German dream. He said, "We did but no-one liked it."
What do you call a nose without a body?
Nobody nose!
Our leaders vs local newscasters showing the importance of social distancing.
https://ift.tt/3djWjzY
I have no problem getting dates online.
I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.
I was fired from the calendar factory
How? I took a day off
Idea
Could the r/dankmemes reddit be banning non europeans just as a dank meme?
I like telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs … :/
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent “cr”.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
What fruit likes to go down slides?
Ki-Wheeee
I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were…
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"
My wife told me that I have two flaws:
I never listen. Something else…
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" "Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations." "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asks. The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What's that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.
He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?” The waiter says, “A penny.” The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?” The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished. “Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!” The waiter answers, “He’s upstairs with my wife.” Confused, the man asks, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The waiter smiles and says, “The same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”
Pope gets a lesson
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
What do Lawyers wear?
Law Suits
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
A man gets “I love you” tattooed on his penis.
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend. She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
In the United States, you’re American.
But in the bathroom, European.
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
What do you call fake potatoes?
Imitaters
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
My stupid cousin thinks he’s collected one of every board game ever made.
That idiot doesn't have a Clue.
What do you call a zombie who writes his own music?
A decomposer.
My dad just got me good.
My husband has been making a lot of pizza lately. He ferments the dough and I have been naming each batch with a pun. The current batch is Yeast Lightning. I texted my dad and asked him to help me think of some new names. He texted back "Just rise to the occasion."
What does a panda use to make pancakes?
A pan…duh