Comments be like
What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
For support, rather than illumination.
Scientists have invented artificial vocal cords.
The result speaks for itself.
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day
It’s irrational.
Why was 79 sad?
cos 81
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife
She asked, "how many potatoes would you like?" I said, "I'll just have one please". She said, "it's OK, you don't have to be polite." "Alright, I'll just have one then, you stupid whore".
Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.
Because it’s made in China.
The Sunday funny paper is a gold mine for boomer humor. Also, what is it with the big noses?
https://ift.tt/34gMyyz
I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.
https://ift.tt/2MoevNG
I used to sneak out of the house to go to parties…
…now I sneak out of parties to go home.
![Guy on the floor robs the robber [Only in SA]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/no_image_card-130-400x247.png)
People say i look better without glasses
But i just can't see it.
A horny lion and a horny mouse
agree to fuck each other. The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The lion reluctantly agrees. The mouse begins to fuck the lion and right after he busts his nut, he runs away. The lion notices what has happened and begins to chase the mouse. The mouse, hoping to take disguise, finds a seat at a table. He grabs a newspaper and begins to casually read it, hoping the lion passes him by. The lion urgently asks "Have you seen a little mouse run past here!?" The mouse replies "Do you mean the mouse that fucked you in the ass?" Horrified, the lion gasps: "Its in the newspaper already!?"
I told my wife to shave her pussy
and I woke up bald
Would not be suprised if this have ben posted here in one form or another but here goes
https://ift.tt/36Z0Eog
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I was doing a little shopping at my local grocery store.
As the cute cashier was ringing up my stuff, she saw that all I had was some ramen noodles, frozen burritos, and canned spaghetti. She giggled and said “I can tell your single”. I laughed and asked “what gave it away?” She said “you’re fuckin ugly”
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
2 blind guys were about to fight
I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins! Both started running away.
People named Victor must be very successful historians.
Because history is always written by the Victor.
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
