Common consensus BAD ๐ก
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
What’s more Irish than potatoes?
Not having potatoes.
Is there fall damage? Letโs find out.
Is there fall damage? Letโs find out.
I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad…
I take something for it.
A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: ‘You’ll never guess with how many women I’ve slept!’
'Mmm?' 'Not that many!'
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back. I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside..
So I decided to call a toe-truck.
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
My friends claim I’m the cheapest person they ever met
I'm not buying it
What did the police say to his bellybutton
Your under a vest
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.
One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives. The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college. On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening. Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him. At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02. The bartender was astounded– he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to, "Whole Don here for just one minute!" I will not apologize.
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end,
but a lovely finish.
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
A man calls his home and a boy answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?" "Hey dad it's me," answers the boy "Shouldn't you be in school?" The man asks "Mum said i could stay home because I'm ill" The boy answers "Where is your mother?" asks the man. The boy says, "She's upstairs in bed with the postman." The man is fuming and says to the boy, "Listen very carefully, I need you to do something." "What will I have to do?" The man tells him, "I want you to get my gun from the garage, and then come back." The boy puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then the boy comes back. "Now what, Dad?" He asks. "Go upstairs to where your mum is, and shoot her and whoever she is with." The man hears footsteps, then two gunshots, and the boy comes back. "What do I do with the bodies" the boy asks The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." Puzzled, the boy answers, "But we don't have a pool." There is a long pause, before the man answers. "Sorry, wrong number."
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I wish I was a lost redditor
No text found
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
Bro was really hungry
Bro was really hungry
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
To the guy who stole my trainers and high-vis jacket…
…you can run but you can't hide!
Kate is a pretty name, it’s the name I would want to give to one of my twin daughters.
I would name the other one "DupliKate'
I am so sorry reddit . . .
I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
The old farmer said, โ Well as I see it, Donald Trump is like a Post Tortoiseโ
The man, not being familiar with the term, asked what a โpost tortoiseโ was. The farmer said, โWhen youโre driving down a county lane and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, thatโs a post tortoise. The farmer saw the puzzled look on the manโs face so he continued to explain. โYou know he didnโt get up there by himself, he doesnโt belong up there, heโs elevated beyond his ability to function, and you wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with.โ
This is my first year not going to Fiji because of Covid-19
Normally i donโt go because Iโm poor
A man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend." The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father," he begins. "I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said, "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?" The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed that fucking putt!"
My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She was absolutely furious and said sheโs never going to play scrabble with me ever again