Communism jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets them
Whats the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabi dooo!
What else could he say??
A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked. "That's his trunk, honey," Mom replied. "No, that other thing," Johnny insisted. "Oh, you must be looking at his tail," Mom offered. "No, Mommy, that big thing underneath him, by his belly," Johnny said. Realizing her son was asking about the elephant's penis, Mom got embarassed. "Oh, that's nothing, sweetie. Daddy went to get some popcorn. When he comes back, he can tell you all about the elephants." Soon, Dad came back with popcorn, and Mom went to use the restroom. Johnny took the opportunity to question his father. "What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Daddy?" "That's his trunk, son," Dad said. "No, Daddy, not his trunk, and not his tail. I mean that big thing underneath, by his belly," Johnny repeated. "Oh, that," Dad said. "That's his penis, Johnny." "Huh," mused the five year old. "Mommy said that was nothing." "Son," sighed Dad, "I've spoiled that woman."
2020 is going to be a great year.
I can see it so clearly.
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
https://ift.tt/2tNUDsZ
Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Why is Kim Jong Un so cruel?
Because he doesn't have a Seoul.
How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there’s a salad dressing
Peter Dinklage turned 51 today.
It's been fun watching Dinkl age.
[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods
As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back to his friend who's laying on the ground in agony. He asks what the park ranger said. "Dude you're gonna die"
I called my son a bloody disappointment and my girlfriend burst out into tears
Appartently, she's sensitive about her miscarriage
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
When it comes to nudist contests…
I barely qualify.
It’s a boomers humor Christmas! Found in a sixty-year-old women’s feed unironically.
https://ift.tt/2t4wstl
I finally found out what causes random out of place boners
Subliminal thots
The Ultimate Blonde Joke
A blonde is speeding and is pulled over by a blonde woman cop. The cop asks the driver for her license and she says 'What's that?' The cop says, "You know – it's that squarish thingy with your picture on it". The driver digs in her purse, finds a small mirror, looks in it and then hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it, gives it back and says, "OK, you can go. I didn't know you were a cop".
I don’t like people who take drugs
For example : airport security
First woman on the moon:
“Houston, we have a problem.” What? “Never mind” What’s the problem? “Nothing” Please tell us? “You know what the problem is.”
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
A guy named Danny walks into a bar…
A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.” A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been with many men who’ve told me terrible things, try me.” So Danny tells her and she slaps him across the face so hard his cheek turns beet red. The bartender saw the whole thing and asks Danny what happened, and Danny said, “I told her what I needed to forget.” Naturally, the bartender asks what it is he needs to forget. “I’ll tell you, but, trust me, you’ll get pissed.” “Boy, I’ve been bartending for 25 years, heard about regrets, death, war stories, ain’t nothin gonna faze me.” So Danny tells the bartender, and the bartender flips his shit and screams at Danny to get outta the bar. Outside, Danny hails a cab to get home. Once inside, the Cabbie says, “Jeez you look terrible, what happened?” “I told people what I’m trying to forget.” “Well, what’d you tell em?” “You’ll get mad if I tell ya.” “Sir, if I’m honest, I was a veteran, I’ve had my own brothers die in my arms, tell me what you have.” “Alright but you gotta take me home first so you don’t throw me out of the cab.” Intrigued, the cabbie takes Danny home first. The Cabbie pulled up to Danny’s home, turns around, and says “Alright, spill the beans, I’m dyin to hear this.” “Fine, fine, but I gotta ask you something first: When’s the last time you lost The Game?”
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
What do you call it when a pirate pees on people?
Arrrrrrrgh Kelly
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes – meet me in the car park.”
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
Finally about to do a major (well deserved) upgrade on my rig but still relevant
https://ift.tt/394vVap
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
I saw a homeless guy living in a tyre. I did him a favour and punctured it.
Now he's living in a flat
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
I still remember my grandfather’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket
“Hey, you wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
If Mississippi gave Missouri her New Jersey to wear at the fair, what will Delaware?
I don't know but Alaska.
What do you do when you break a stick of asparagus?
I don't know I would just get a-spare-i-guess
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".
How do you say ‘sup dawg’ in Japanese?
Konichihuahua