Compare Obama’s Ebola strategy to Trump’s trainwreck
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
Fuck ugly people.
That way you'll finally get laid.
A very old joke called, “Why Worry?”
Why Worry? In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell. If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry…so why worry?
From my 6yr old: Whats a guitar’s favorite cheese?
String cheese.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
I played my dad in chess yesterday.
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.
I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night. I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”
I like my women like I like my coffee
Very strong, and given proper credit for their contributions in both the home and the workplace.
I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!
People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”
I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with.. But I was trippin all day!
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
For a good time go bowling
A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.
What do you call a mouse that swears
A cursor
Blond and bodybuilder
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" … Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
My partner and I can never agree on vacations.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
Have you ever tried eating the clock
Its very time consuming
One Day a Cowboy Rode into Town
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas." The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?" The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home." P.S. Sorry
The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.
I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”
When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.
When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..
As a child, I was abused by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
They fired me from the calendar factory
I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
Why was the forest so noisy?
The tree’s bark.
A man walks into a bar with a big smile on his face
The bartender says “why are you so happy?” The man replies “well, after work I was walking home and saw this woman tied to a train track. It was just like something out of a movie! So I untied her and took her home. And then we had the best sex of my life, all over the house in every position you could imagine! It was unbelievable!” The bartender is impressed “sounds great! Was she hot?” “Not sure”, said the man, “I never found the head.”
My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is…
I told him, "Anytime, my door is always open!"
Remember having sex on a regular basis keeps your memory alive!
Hope you all have a great Christmas and wishing you a merry 2014
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.
Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younger, he decided to give the place a go and see if he could catch up on some fun times with the ladies there. On his first day a the home he met Sally, a pleasant older woman that informed Bob that on Wednesday Nights it was movie night for the residents. She asked Bob if he would go with her to the the movie that week. Bob told Sally that he would go with her but only if she held his penis during the film. Sally thought about this for a bit and decided – what the heck, she could do that, as she really wanted a date for Wednesday Movie night. Everything went well with the date and the next Tuesday Sally asked Bob if he would take her to the movie again this week but Bob said he was sorry he could not because he was going to the Wednesday Night movie with another resident Jane. Sally was a bit miffed that Bob already had found someone else and asked Bob, "So whats Jane got that I haven't got". To which Bob replied: "Parkinsons".
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
But this is as close as I could get
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
![[visible confusion]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/v42d1y0frjf41-1-400x674.png)
Never marry a tennis player…
Love means nothing to them!
