i just heard that oxygen and magnesium are together
i was like OMg
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.
Change my mind.
I’m a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)
Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me… Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once. So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids to read. Real boring stuff, really. So she cracks one open and starts reading in a monotone. A few minutes later, I'm bored out of my mind. Then, suddenly, she reaches over and starts jacking me off. Bam! Instant fountain. "That was great, but how'd you know that was gonna work?" I asked her afterwards. "Oh, it was easy. Just had to turn you off and on again."
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best i’ve ever had
but it's certainly up there.
Why doesn’t it hurt to get hit with a soda?
They’re soft drinks.
I tried calling the tinnitus hotline but there was no answer.
It just kept ringing.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?"
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
I’m bisexual
If i can’t get sex, I bi it
Man: “Doctor, I think I have ADHD: I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”
Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works…" Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"
My Dad really messed up his wrists dragging his car from England to France.
He got car-pull-tunnel syndrome.
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says “Why the long face?”
The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves
3.14% of sailors are…
π-rates.
Women are actually turning into good drivers.
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn't putting in enough shifts
Told the guy in the computer shop that I wanted a hard drive.
He said I should try when it's icy on the roads.
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
My dad keeps on buying ladders
Just to get high
A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler
sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares about the jews."
I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House…
Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes: Mexican contractor: 3 million Italian Contractor: 7 million Israeli Contractor: 10 million After a while Trump asked the Mexican – Why did you ask for 3 million. The Mexican said:-One million in paint, one million in labor and one million profit. He asked the Italian why he was asking 7 million. Italian replied:-3 million in high quality painting, 2 million in specialized workforce and 2 million gain. He asked the Israeli why he was asking 10 million. The Israeli responded: Don Trump my friend – 4 million for you, 3 million for me, And with the 3 million leftovers we pay the Mexican to paint!!!
An Irishman and his son went to the zoo…
A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age” The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times. “Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!” The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun… A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice… “Bajaysus that’s right” said the father, “I am farty two!”
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
I’m just going to get some cigarettes
I’ll be right back
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He's an artificial sweetner.
My daughter hates soup alphabet, but when I am feeding her, I am saying she loves it.
I guess I am putting words in her mouth.
R.I.P Boiling water,
You will be mist.
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.