Complete overkill
If my son turned out to be transgender, he ain’t no son of mine
She’d be my daughter🥰
It translates to: Pero (the guys name) if you did not notice, I am wearing the same dress.
https://ift.tt/2XpzNP7
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.
I see a lot of new faces here tonight, which is disappointing.
Don’t be mad at lazy people
They didn’t do anything
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, “What an Ass.”
These jokes…
At first I thought that these jokes just weren't that funny. Then I realized that I'm depressed… and these jokes aren't that funny.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
A car full of Irish nuns
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler…
Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back.
How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What did the picture tell the lawyer?
Help! I’ve been framed.
I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.
It is my jingle bell rock.
Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didn’t habanero
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.
How many people are dead in that graveyard?
All of ‘em, I hope!
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Some people say I’m too vague
But you know how the saying goes.
Why are snow cones never sold with lemon flavor?
Well, you should know.
What is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didn’t think a spacesuit was “appropriate work attire”.
I’ve got my corduroy pants, my corduroy shirt, and my corduroy hat…
One more piece of clothing and I’ll be one whole Roy!
A mom wanted her three sons to stop swearing…
…so she decides she needs to start punishing her children. The next morning, her three sons, Billy, Bobby, and Johnny come to the kitchen for breakfast. The mom asks Billy what he wants for breakfast. Billy says, "I don't know, just give me ceral or some shit." The mom smacks Billy and he goes flying across the kitchen. She turns to Bobby and asks him what he wants for breakfast. Bobby shouts, "Damn, mom! What the hell did you hit Billy for? Just give me cereal I guess." The mom hits Bobby even harder and Bobby flies into the next room over. Finally, she turns to Johnny and asks what he wants for breakfast. Johnny looks at the other two boys and hesitates for a while. Johnny says, "I don't know, but you can bet your sweet ass that it isn't cereal."
Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says…
"Anybody know how to drive this thing?"
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
A Roman walks in a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says:
"I'll have 5 beer please."
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
Ass Crack
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
