completely delusional
When I was young, my dad used to tear up the last page of all my comic books and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
What’s Gordon Ramsey’s favorite Disney movie?
IT'S FUCKING FROZEN!!!
Why can pirates not finish the alphabet?
Because they’re always stuck at “C”.
A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
You can’t run through a campsite
You can only ran, 'cause it's past tents.
You know why aliens haven’t visited us yet?
They checked our reviews. One star.
The pub was pretty wild last night,
Some lady got her nipple pierced. And I got banned from playing darts.
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Atheism…
is a non-prophet organization.
WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!
Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwww.
My second wife left me because I have “revenge issues”
We'll see about that…
My wife just gave me a restraining order..
Who knew there was an incorrect way to use a colander….
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
“We need to do something about your carpentry addiction.”
"Can't I just finish the bar I was making for my house?" "No, that would be counter-productive."
My mum used to say that the best way to a mans heart was through his stomach
She was a good woman… Terrible surgeon though
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I’d put the mask on before I left for work this morning……
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
3 frogs get arrested
The first frog goes in and the judge asks him, "What's your name?" "Frog," he replies. "What did you do?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, your honor." With that, the judge lets him go. The second frog goes in. "What's your name?" asks the judge. "Frog Frog." "What were you doing?" "I was just blowing bubbles in the pond, sir." With that, the judge lets him go. The third frog comes in. The judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Frog Frog Frog." The frog says, "No, my name's Bubbles."
The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer
A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 – IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.' Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.' Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.' The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.' Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.' Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.' Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.' The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.' Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.' Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!' Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'
Two wind turbines sit in the ocean, one turns to the other and says “What music do you listen to?”
The turbine says “I’m a massive heavy metal fan”
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
When a senior dev couldn’t solve your problem so you two call another senior to help
https://ift.tt/2xJMN9H
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
My mum said ” A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Good lady; awful surgeon.
I want to tell you all about a girl that only ate plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well…?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."
When the first poop of the year is the first poop in my new bed since i got it
https://ift.tt/2thvPN8
You’re riding a horse full speed. There’s a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.