Completely unnecessary
What do you call a sad coffee?
Despresso
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.
If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
I have a fear of speed bumps…
…but I'm slowly getting over them.
Alcohol is gay.
Cause when you have it, you can't think straight.
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye the oceans were teeming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I wish for a great wall around England, protecting her, and all the foreigners were gone". With a blink of the genie's eye, there was a huge wall around England and all foreigners disappeared. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, double the size of it and fill it up with water."
I for one like Roman numerals.
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Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."
At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off…
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
It’s tricky knowing when to take the tea bag out.
There's a steep learning curve.
Why do fish form schools, but ants form colonies?
Cause truants don't go to school! (I came up with this right now)
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
Five blondes walk into a bar
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it
Why was Pavlov’s hair soft?
Because he conditioned it
What has a head, a tail, but no body?
A coin Source: my 7 year old sister
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with
After the question, the woman doesn't respond. The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?" His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling. The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…" Still silence from his wife. The man, giving up, says "It's OK. Please don't be upset." Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection. While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband, "Damn it! You made me lose count!"
Grandpa: What has 4 legs but is not alive?
A boy: A chair, hahaha, nice try gran- Grandpa: It's your dog, he is dead Jimmy
Whats Gordon Ramsay’s favourite sub-reddit.
IT'S FUCKING R/AWW , YOU IDIOT!
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
2 pilots meet
300 people died
you guys know how i like to tell my dad jokes?
well i cant because he's not here
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.