Completely useless
I asked my pregnant librarian when her baby was due
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
People who rob jewelry stores and banks are pretty bad.
But people who rob bakeries really take the cake.
What do you call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big Meter.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
It's not hard
Joke
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on ‘Take your kid to work day’
As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"
Guys I tried to think of a social distancing joke
but this is as close as I could get
From a physicist: ICP is actually right about magnets
/r/juggalo/comments/g1e3nx/from_a_physicist_icp_is_actually_right_about/
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
A man, a dog, and a cow were on a cruise when their ship sank.
The man, the dog, and the cow were the only survivors. They swam to a deserted island covered with a thick jungle. They started to explore the jungle. There was enough food in the jungle to feed the three of them, and the man could build a shelter out of the trees. "We can live here for years," said the man. After spending a few days on the island, the man realized that he was unlikely ever to see a woman again. "From now on," he thought, "I will have to do it with my cow." The man lowered his pants. He ran towards the cow. But the dog jumped onto the cow's back. He growled at the man. The man backed off. He put his pants back on. The dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away. Again, the man lowered his pants. Again, he ran towards the cow. Again, the dog jumped onto the cow's back. Again, he growled at the man. Again, the man backed off. Again, he put his pants back on. Again, the dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away. For the third time, the man lowered his pants. For the third time, he ran towards the cow. For the third time, the dog jumped onto the cow's back. For the third time, he growled at the man. For the third time, the man backed off. For the third time, he put his pants back on. For the third time, the dog jumped off the cow's back and walked away. The man was about to lower his pants a fourth time, when a huge, hairy monster jumped out from behind a bush. The beast looked like a cross between a lion and a gorilla that was the size of an elephant. He chased the man and his companions through the jungle. Finally, the monster had the man, the dog, and the cow cornered. The man closed his eyes and waited for the beast to kill him. Suddenly, he felt something grab him, and the next instant he was flying through the air. When the man opened his eyes, he was sitting safely in a tree with a woman who was holding a vine. He figured that the woman must have rescued him. The woman swung back down on the vine and rescued the dog and even the cow, and carried them into the tree. Then she jumped down from the tree and effortlessly killed the enormous monster. After the woman lowered the other three from the tree, the man took a good look at her. She was completely naked, and very beautiful. She also had some pretty impressive muscles, which somehow made her even more beautiful. The man was so stunned, all he could say was, "You…you saved our lives." "Were you on a cruise?" she asked. "Yes," said the man. "So was I," said the woman. "When I was five years old, I was on a cruise with my family. Then the ship sank, and I was the only one to survive. I swam to this island, and it wasn't long before I had my first narrow escape from one of those huge monsters. I had to make myself strong in order to survive here." "You are the first human I have seen in fifteen years, and I would be willing to do anything for you." The man looked at the beautiful, naked woman with a sly grin on his face. "Anything?" he asked. "Oh, yes!" said the woman. "In that case," said the man, "would you take my dog here for a walk?"
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left
They’re banning phones in my school, my teacher was laughing her ass off at this
https://ift.tt/2TTqdCz
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
Trump and Obama are getting a haircut in the same barber shop.
Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says, “Don’t bother me!”
So I asked him how much it costs and whether or not it works.
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.
I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
I’ll never use that dictionary again…
The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2. But the real question is, how did they get in there?
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
It’s a conversation between me and my 6 y o cousin…Sorry if it is not funny enough for you
him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
Master yoda, are we on the right way??
Off course we are
So, I’m reading this book written in Braille…
I just know something terrible’s about to happen… I can feel it.
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.