COMPUTER BAD VACCINE BAD
I was feeling lonely, so i bought some shares.
It's much nicer having some company.
Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because Dshells were too big.
My father always told me “If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!”
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
Why don’t cannibals like ramen
They prefer cooked men
A little boy told his nursery teacher he found a dead cat.
"How did you know it was dead?" his teacher asked "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move." the boy said. "You did what?!" the teacher shrieked. "You know," the boy explained, "I leaned over and went 'Psst!' in its ear and it didn't move!"
So a man comes into a bar…
Wait no… Shit. It was a horse…. So a man comes into a horse….
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.
She’s still not talking to me.
literally they all complain about kids and talk about hating their wife holy shit
https://ift.tt/2Ocoyq2
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,
we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"? He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"
TIL the Reverse Cowgirl position is frowned upon in West Virginia.
It just ain't right turning your back on family.
The titanic went down in 60 seconds
Let that sink in for a minute
My dad decided to name his new truck “Stormtrooper”…
That way he doesn't hit anything
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association
Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?
It was about a week back.
What do you call the wooden Batman?
Spruce Wayne
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed
How could anyone stoop so low?
There was a woman who had 100 kids..
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger – 2.99 Cheeseburger – 3.99 Chicken Sandwich – 4.99 Hand Jobs – 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flinstones but people in Abu Dhabi dooooooooooo!!!!
I bought two left hand gloves
On one hand it feels great, on the other hand, not so much
I told my dad Stan Lee died…
Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….