Computer Blue
What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and an owl?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
My wife broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.
It is because she has so many fans.
Little girl lands position as construction boss.
A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.” “Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will if those lazy assholes from Lowe’s ever deliver the fucking sheetrock.”
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
What do you call a Mexican standoff with only 2 people?
A Juan on Juan
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
I’m really worried about my Parrot.
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.
The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?" "It's hard to say." . . Co-written by M0ng078
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
a labracadabrador
Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
What do you call a communist sniper
A marxman
My wife offered me a blowjob today.
‘Really’ I said ‘No, April fooaarrrrglegargle’ That’ll teach her to be funny
I was addicted to the hokey pokey
But I turned myself around
Why is the paper glowing?
Because the paper is light.
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day …
Give a man a poisoned fish, and you’ll feed him for a lifetime!
I keep dreaming this horse is trying to kill me.
She’s a nightmare
Did you hear about the guy that got hit with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink
You hear a cancer joke and it makes you laugh…
… until you get it.
No girl from Alabama is into doing reverse cowgirl
They don’t like turning their back on family
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight" the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him… He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either"
How do you ask an Austrialian for nudes?
sapnu puas
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.
I wish tinder had it too.
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
“Never thought our child would go that far.”
"That trebuchet is really something. Let's get the cat!"
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in a cup
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.