Concerning the cowards that were in the Michigan capital yesterday:
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
I called my friend and told him I put a load in his dishwasher
I also told him she wants him to clean his room
Why do the french only use one egg when baking a cake?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
A Conman, Moron and Rapist walks into a Bar
Bartender asks “What would you like, Mr. President?”
EA walks into a bar.
Unlock the punchline for $9.99.
My paper towels went missing.
So I had to hire a bounty hunter.
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
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An atheist dies and goes to hell
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!" They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?". They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!" As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air. Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way".
What’s heavier a gallon of water of a gallon of butane?
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
Onions make you cry
My mate thinks he's smart, he says onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a Coconut at his face.
They found the murderer of Captain Crunch.
It was a cereal killer.
You think all these puns on r/dadjokes are bad?
Wait until you sea mine
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.
He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on. The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can't drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney" So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story. One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness… The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother…" The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it's not that!! It's just that I've given up drinking!"
Son comes home from school…
Son: Dad, we got a strange new girl in class today with a really weird name… Dad: Now son, you shouldn’t think less of a person because of that person’s name. Son: I understand. Dad: Just curious, what is her name? Son: Nonstick Cookingspray Dad: ……what the hell kind of name is that? Son: That’s what I said! I tried calling her Pam but… Dad: …but what..,? Son: It just didn’t stick.
I electrocuted myself this morning.
Don’t worry though, I don’t feel anything currently.
I just watched a documentary on beavers.
Best dam movie I've ever seen.
I’m taking my son and daughter to the store tomorrow to buy stuffing for their pillows.
I’m planning to get down with the kids.
Have you heard of the cheese factory that burned down?
Debris was everywhere.
Two Americans were backpacking in Europe
…when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?” The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.” The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily. The first American asked his partner: ” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”
I asked my English teacher where the last name Smith came from
"Well," he said, "in the past family names were often descriptive. People who forged iron for a living were called smiths, so that eventually led to the last name Smith." 'Is that where names likes Fisher come from too?' I asked. "Yes," he replied, "that's exactly where they come from." 'Thank-you,' I gushed, 'you're the best teacher ever Mr. Dickinson!'
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say “mucho”.
It means a lot to me.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for his check. Duck billed platypus.
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she had ever slept with.
She said “Yes…. all the other guys were nines or tens”
My family just celebrated the 200th anniversary of owning a buffalo farm!
Yep. It's our bison-tennial.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.