Confidence
Who is this Rorschach guy
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting
We really need to stop using this assholes name as being better than something
https://ift.tt/31878Od
I walked into the library and asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia.
She said: "They're right behind you."
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
Guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender says āIām sorry sir, we donāt allow dogs in here.ā Guy says āThis is no ordinary dog. This dog can speak.ā
Bartender says āSure… If you say so. Now please leave.ā Guy says, āNo really I can prove it.ā *turns to dog * āDog, what is on top this building?ā Dog goes āRoof.ā Bartender says āVery clever. Now Iāll ask you again: will you please leave?ā Guy goes āNo no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?ā Dog goes āRuff.ā Bartender says āThis is the last time Iām going to tell you!ā Guy says āWait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?ā Dog replies āRuthā Bartender: āGet out! Iām calling the authorities!ā Guy and dog leave. Outside dog turns to guy and says āJeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.ā
Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you’re smiling?
Haha, I made you smile.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
Itās gonna take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
What do you call a cheap cicumcision?
A rip off.
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
Sign outside strip club shuttered due to COVID-19:
āSorry, weāre clothed.ā
If I started a band called āCeilingā…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music āCeiling Fansā?
Itās my cake day so a joke for everyone
A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says āWhatāll it be today?ā The bear says āgive me a gin and…………………….tonicā The bartender says āsure thing but why the big pause?ā The bear looks down and says āI dunno? I was just born with them. ā
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.
The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries. "So…" he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?" "A shark bit off me leg." "And the hook?" "An enemy pirate cut off me hand." The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories. "What about the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned. "Well, 'twas me first day with the hook…"
Did you know that commas can change the meaning of a sentence.
For example Ben is in a hurry vs Ben is in a comma
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me
What rhymes with orange
No it doesnāt.
A bodybuilder and a Blonde
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have!" He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!" The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
3 unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
What country never wins or loses
Thailand.( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit).
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, āSheās beautiful, isnāt she?ā I said, āIf you think sheās beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.ā
He said, āWhy? Is she a stunner?ā I said, āNo, sheās an optician.ā
[German] Und was ist, wenn der neue Rammstein-Song auf dem Index landet?
Dann kannst du ihn dir nur noch von der Ursula Leyen.
I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.
Itās a small scale operation.
r/coronavirus is officially the fastest-growing community on Reddit
It must be viral.
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driverās door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
āI used to love tractors.ā
There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
Why isn’t your nose 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
