Confucious say a man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
A man who runs behind gets exhausted.
I’ve got a hen who can count her own eggs…
She’s a mathamachicken…
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?
Drycoughsky
Wanna hear the 3 main types of people?
The ones that can count 2. The ones that can’t count
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party… As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”. He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?” “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.” Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??” His son replies, “Oh THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, “Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
“Hey son, what are you drinking?”
"Soy milk" "Hola milk, soy padre"
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets.
This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules
Taiwan:I am China China:No I am China Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan China:No you are China
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
“What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango.
What do you call a pit full of donkeys?
An asshole
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
What’s the fastest liquid?
Milk- it’s pasteurized before you see it
The best thieves steal from birthday parties.
They really take the cake.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Did you read the news about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines everywhere!
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
I heard a little pun the other day
It wasn't fully groan
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
A guy gets hit by a car.
He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?" The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me." The nurse asks "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?" The guy says "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun." The nurse interrupts and says "Actually, nuns are married to God." The guys goes "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."
I was in a job interview today
When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
I have like 50 jokes about the unemployed
Trouble is, none of them work.
What did the Mexican fireman name his two sons?
José and Hose B
Why couldn’t the blind man see his friends?
Because he was married
It’s a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 45-minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
I don’t always tell dad jokes…
But when I do, he laughs.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Have you heard about the new craze where guys bedazzle their testicles?
It's Pretty Nuts.
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.