During a parole hearing.
Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early? Prisoner: It's bec… Officer: Yes? Prisoner: I think i have… Officer: Go on. Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence! Officer: Sure, Parole denied.
Dont challange Death to a pillow fight
…Unless you want to deal with the Reaper cushions.
Why is dark spelt with a k and not a c?
Because you can't see in the dark.
I didn’t want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What did I say when greeting the fashion designer?
"Nice Jimmy Choo."
I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.
Why can’t Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "you know how to drive this thing?"
Medusa is so hot
Every time I look at her Iβm rock hard
I stayed up all night trying to think of a joke.
And then it dawned on me.
The inventor of auto correct died last week…
Restaurant In Peace
I used a penny stamp to mail a love note. But instead of writing it, I only sprayed it with my favorite cologne.
With a cent, I sent a scent.
What do you call an unvaccinated toddler’s tantrum?
A mid-life crisis
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
If I got a nickel for every time I had sex
My pimp would beat my ass
I like to tell dad jokes
He always finds them funny
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
I was talking with fiance out getting married and he said he wasn’t excited about being called husbands.
But he though that wife had a nice ring to it.
If Poly means many then…
Politics means Many Bloodsucking Insects
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
Why is a leather jacket good for camouflage?
Because it's made of hide
Where did the terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, back!
My brother has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban at the San Diego Zoo.
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance π
Man: I would like to return a defective boomerang.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
A man has to choose from his 3 girlfriends
A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it. The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much." The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
Who is a Covid-19 patientβs favorite composer?
Drycoughsky
Don’t get mad at lazy people..
They didn't do anything.
I ordered a jokebook from Amazon the other week and I’m still waiting for it to arrive.
Sorry if this wasn't very funny to read out on Reddit. Most of my jokes are all in the delivery.