* confused noises intensifying*
Masturbation is like buying IKEA furniture.
At first, it sounds like a great idea. But then you're on your knees in the living room, with a mess on the carpet, wishing you'd have just paid someone.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes…
Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long.
Because it’s made in China.
-Tips fedora at mosquito-
M’laria!
A man experiencing severe headaches goes to the doctor
He says."Doc, you've gotta help me. I've been getting these same headaches everyday and I don't know what to do". The doctor says "I experienced those same headaches too. Here's what I did: I went home and gave my wife oral sex. She would squeeze my head with her legs and this relieved the tension. Try it". Two weeks go by, and the doctor calls him up, asking how he feels. He says "Doc, you're a genius! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment. I feel like a new man! Oh, and by the way, you have a lovely home".
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.
Walmart will be closed for Christmas
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison
That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence
What kind of Dr is Dr. Pepper?
A Fizzician.
What’s my blod type?
Typo
I ran into a girl at a vegetarian restaurant that said she new me
But I've never met herbivore
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here
When feeding me my mother would say “here comes the choo choo train…..”
and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track
What do you call a youtuber who’s also a werewolf?
Lycansubscribe
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
For protection against being called a boomer, you can now designate your generation via a user flair.
Stay safe out there.Addition sub changes:Ability to report common repostsAbility to report NSFW posts that need to be marked NSFW
Aragorn and Legolas walk into a bar
Gimli laughs and walks under it
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
Dad: “Knock, knock!” Kid: “Who’s there?”
Dad: Spell! Kid: Spell who? Dad: W… H… O…
Medusa is so hot
Every time I look at her I’m rock hard
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
Did you hear the one about the Jew?
Israeli funny
“Wanna know something?” asked my girlfriend.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
To whoever stole my anti-depressants,
I hope you're happy now.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."