What’s Santa’s race?
North Polish
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.
My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!”
Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!
With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.
The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
Her: I have no idea how the science behind human cloning works.
Me: That makes two of us.
It shouldn’t be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump
It's always darkest before Don
What do you call a police officer in bed?
An undercover cop.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A Meowntain
My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was
Did you know it’s easy to teach girls not to eat tide pods?
It's much harder to deter gents.
My mum was a 100M runner and my dad was a marathon runner.
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
What did Sean Connery say when he saw a horse and buggy on the road?
Shomething sheemsh Amish
My girlfriend called me today and told me that she was HIV+
It's always hard to act surprised
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
A tattooed guy, a hot blonde and a pale looking guys have a chat
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire. Edit: Thanks for the silver (my first metal)!!
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales.
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
(more like memeless quarter-of-sunday-and-monday today, starting a little earlier for administrative reasons).Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!Questions can go in this thread today, in the future please send them through modmail.
I got food poisoning at a German festival
It was the wurst.
My girlfriend said, “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up.”
"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
EA walks into a bar.
Unlock the punchline for $9.99.
“Dad, I want to be a history major!”
Dad: I don’t see any future in it.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
No text found
A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath
“Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains” “Not yet” She replied
Why cant Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he is married
It takes guts to be an organ donor
No text found
Who are the happiest people?
Nomads
3 Condoms – NSFW
Guy goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom. His girlfriend told him she would not have sex with him unless he first met her family and has dinner with them. Pharmacist at counter: " just one condom? You sure?" Guy: "actually, my girlfriend's sister is pretty hot…lets make it two condoms." Pharmacist: "just two then? That's it?" Guy: "let's make it three. The mom is really hot too." That night he goes to dinner and her whole family is there. He sits at the table not saying a word, his face red as a tomato. His girlfriend takes him in the bedroom after they eat. Girlfriend: "what's wrong with you? You didn't say a word all night. Did something happen?" Guy: "no, I just didn't know your dad worked at the pharmacy."
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
I just started a business where we specialize in weighing tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
what happens when the pope dies?
another popes up