Congrats to President Daddy for Record Time Passing MEAN PEOPLE BULLY ME ON THE INTERNET ACT
Ever hear the joke about the monorail?
It's a one-liner
3.14% of sailors are…
π-rates.
Our couch pulls out and I gotta say it’s really nice
The last thing I need is a bunch of baby couches running around the place
KID: “Dad, make me a sandwich!”
DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
I’ve been seeing these all over my Pinterest. They’re cards on sale for about 14$.
https://ift.tt/2QZpNKM
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “How much for a beer?”
The bartender replies "Free". The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender replies "Free". The guy, still amazed, then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal, then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused, then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours?
Click here to find out!
I don’t want to sound racist but…
Everyone in the KKK looks the same to me…
I thought taking a job as a ski instructor would be great.
But it really went downhill fast.
Every time I ask what LGBT is
I can never get a straight answer
Not mine but I can’t find the original creator, if you find them pls contact me
https://ift.tt/2whrgE2
A sheep, drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
I invented a new type of car…
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
My chem teacher actually makes quality memes. We’re learning about bonding types.
https://ift.tt/39owHQm
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
They’re attention seekers, no way their birth date is real
How do you start a holy fire?
With a match made in Heaven.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
What’s the most sarcastic body of water on earth?
The Crimea River.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Which US president was least guilty?
Lincoln. Cause he was in a cent.
My favorite pornstar died last night.
I woke up today with mourning wood.
How did Harry Potter get down the hill
By walking… JK rolling
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
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I just burned my Hawaiian pizza.
I guess I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
Why is “the mall” called “the mall?”
Because you don't just shop at one store, you shop at THEM-ALL