Congratulations Kentucky… now do Moscow Mitch
I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.
It is my jingle bell rock.
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at.
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There is this rumor about Apple buying off Reddit.
It's not me, iReddit somewhere.
Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron? Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.
![How did I miss THIS award ceremony?! [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/k3pnojn1xog41-400x430.jpg)
I call my horse Mayo
And sometimes Mayo Neighs. (My dad plays RedDead Redemption and he legitimately caught a horse just to make this joke)
What’s the most important rule when making porno music?
Never use A-minor.
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?
A spare, I guess
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.
But it was his dumb asphalt
What do you get when you mix 50% human DNA with 50% goat DNA?
Kicked out of the petting zoo.
I tried learning brail recently..
I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
Next Summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It's something I can see myself doing.
I saw a woman crying in the supermarket
So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit. It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 in the car park
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar
A joke isn’t really a dad joke
until it’s fully groan.
A boys get invited to his girlfriend’s house for dinner
He gets invited to his girlfriend's house. He stops at the pharmacy and says: "Can I get a condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's house tonight and I think I'm gonna get lucky." "Sure" the pharmacist replies. As he walks out he turns around and says: "Actually, her sister has been giving me the eyes as well. You'd better give me another one" "No problem" the pharmacist replies as he hands over another. He turns to walk out again and turns around: "In fact, the mother has been giving me some signs to. I'm pretty sure she wants me the most. Can I have another?" He takes the 3 condoms and turns up at his girlfriend's house. As they all sit down to eat, they begin to say grace. As the prayer finish and they say amen, the boy keeps his head down. His girlfriend: "Wow, I didn't realise you were so religious" The boy, keeping his head down replied: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist".
The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
Credit my uncle, who is an uncle joking but not making uncle jokes. A dad-joker but not my dad.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn’t last long for fat people.
I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety
Before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything'
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
I don’t know any dean jokes.
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Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
How do you call someone who overuses CAPITAL LETTERS?
Capitalist My sincere apologies in advance 😉
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite.
It's only when I got home I realised I had picked 7 up.
all countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me.
What was Icarus’s favorite food?
Hot wings!
Catholic school girls
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I?m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
I walked in on my boss vigorously masturbating
He told me to stop masturbating and get the hell out of his office
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
Salty Crackers.
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
A gay man goes to a church
And when the donation tin is makes it's way to the gay man, he leaves a $1000 in the tin. Once the tin makes it's way back to the pastor, the pastor is shocked! He yells, "Whoever left such a generous donation, please make yourself known!". The gay man stands up and says "I did". The pastor smiles at the man and says, "This church thanks you for such a gift! The congregation would love for you to choose 3 hymns". The gay man starts pointing around the church and saying "I will take him, and him and him!"