Congratulations Kentucky… now do Moscow Mitch
[Picture] Im selling a microwave on facebook and asked my dad to send me pictures of the inside of it to show a buyer.
I wasn't disappointed https://imgur.com/gallery/gCDyE8C
Why do you need a painting? (Joke my 7-year-old made up)
So you care about the wall
To the person who stole my antidepressants:
I hope you’re happy now.
Tech summits: the one time the men’s bathroom line exceeds the women’s ( @ silicon slopes)
https://ift.tt/31dtPSO
Her (On Tinder): I’m a model on Instagram! What do you do?
Him: I'm a soldier, on Call of Duty.
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
I can cut a piece of wood by just looking at it
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!
Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums
Says one spice to another
"Seasoned Greetings"
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability
Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit
My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles today..
His next poop could spell disaster.
A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.
The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries. "So…" he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?" "A shark bit off me leg." "And the hook?" "An enemy pirate cut off me hand." The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories. "What about the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned. "Well, 'twas me first day with the hook…"
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, “The Sky’s the Limit!”
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
Did you hear about the fugitive’s wife?
She was a runaway bride
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
Reddit should rename ‘share’ to ‘spreddit’, ‘delete’ to ‘shreddit’ and ‘karma’ to ‘creddit’.
Yet they haven't. I don't geddit.
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger at him alarmingly and yells “HEY!”
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her. I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
Balls have got to be one of the oldest toys.
They’ve been ‘round a long time.
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
