Congratulations USA
Zero school shootings so far this year.
My Drug Dealer Sold Me Some Shoes Today..
I don't know what he laced em with, but I've been trippin all day!
A man walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a rum and coke.”
The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees. The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"
To the guy who invented 0…
Thanks for nothing!
This joke is about ghosts. You wanna hear it?
That's the spirit.
A man with a stutter answers an ad for “bible salesman wanted”.
He walks into the office and says " I wanna suh, suh, sell buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager, holding back a laugh, replies "sure thing, just take this here box and go door-to-door until they are gone. Then come back for more." The office manager is amazed when the man comes back the next day and says "I nuh, nuh, nuh, need muh, muh, more buh, buh, buh, buh, bibles ! " The office manager is dumbstruck but agrees to give the man another box, with one condition. "You have to tell me how you did it. "He says. "Well I just nah, nah, nock on the duh, duh, duh, door and say, I'm suh, suh, suh, selling buh, buh, buh, bibles. Wuh, wuh, wuh, would you like to buh, buh, buh, buy one or should I reh, reh, reh, READ IT TO YOU? "
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after you get a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink ?
Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
The first time I used an elevator..
Was a really uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
You’ll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke…
They consider cows to be sacred.
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day
In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death. On the day of the funeral, each of his advisers came with a large envelope and each, in turn, placed it in the wealthy man's open casket. At the end of the funeral, when the man was buried, each of the advisers walked away from the cemetary together. The accountant said to the other two "I must confess, I didn't put all of the money in. I kept $10,000 for myself and only put in $40,000." The doctor responded "I should be honest too. I kept $20,000 for myself and only put in $30,000." The lawyer looked at the other two with disdain and said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Our client instructed us to put in $50,000 each into his casket, and I'll have you know I put in a check for the full amount!"
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses
Then I’ll see what happens
How is Donald Trump like a jack-o-lantern?
They are both orange, round and should be thrown out in early November.
My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.
He's a seasoned veteran.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees.
I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
My wife is always threatening to harm me if I keep stealing her kitchen utensils…
but that’s a wisk I’m willing to take.
Two satellites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
I like my women like I like my slaves
Educated and free.
Start with the punchline.
How do you tell a time travelling joke?
What do Alexander the great and Winnie the pooh have in common?
Same middle name
I haven’t understood a single joke since this quarantine started.
They must all be inside jokes.
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…
It's big red flag
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
In 2020 we’re going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision
I can see it clearly.
Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you’ll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
”Will you marry me?” Is a marriage proposal.
”Will, You, Mary, Me” is a foursome proposal.