Congress will never impeach Donald Trump.
Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
What does an annoying pepper do?
It get’s jalapeño face…
Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2?
Because it’s Tuesday.
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
Every night I tell my wife I’m going out for a jog, but I don’t go, and she knows it
It’s a running joke.
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
I created a graph explaining all my past relationships
It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana
No text found
My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
I finally told my therapist I was having suicidal thoughts
He said I have to start paying in advance
Why are catholic priests called father?
Because “daddy” would be too suspicious
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover his butt quack
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
Why does the Keyboard work 24 hours…
Because, it has two shifts.
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”
“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.” “So what is it then?” she asked. I said, “Its a OnePlus.”
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
Not all math puns are bad…
Just sum…
What do you call a 200 year old buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
Me: Sir, you can’t give me a ticket for speeding. I am planning to run a Marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
What’s the difference between a sniper with bad vision, and a constipated owl?
One shoots but can't hit. The other hoots but can't shit
I put root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.
The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! " The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! " The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis! "
Holocaust survivor dies
He goes before God and starts telling him holocaust jokes. God says “My son I don’t know what you’re doing, but this isn’t funny.” The man says”Oh well, I guess you had to be there.”
At the end of a soccer game in Japan, the players are starting performing martial arts…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
Bank Robber: Where’s the Safe?!
Teller: Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THE SAFE? Teller: Bank Robber: ANSWER ME! Penn: He always does this
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
