Conservative subreddit conspiracies this week
My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
I'm not buying it.
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.
You have my Word.
Mom asked me why I deposited a pair of shoes into my bank account.
Me: "Well, you said my account should have a new balance. ;)"
My first job was working at an orange juice factory
..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
I’ll only be making inside jokes.
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
Why were the Native Americans the first to come to America?
Because they had reservations
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
A college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back. "Sony!" yells the blonde girl in the front.
Every time I ask what LGBT is
I can never get a straight answer
Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.
For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.
“Doc, I think I have ADHD. I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford.”
Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works. “But I keep losing my Focus!”
A new Tesla doesn’t come with the new car smell…
It comes with an Elon Musk.
I love the way the Earth rotates
It really makes my day
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed platypus.
An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?”
The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”
The US is to surpass China and Italy in the coming week for most COVID-19 cases in the world
https://ift.tt/2UFKRq3
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little knotsies
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy
“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. “Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the beer. He downs it, leaps off the roof —and plummets 15 stories to the ground. The bartender shakes his head. “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
I think my boss just made me his sexual advisor
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it" Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.
[First day as a waiter] Me: How would you like your steak?
Customer: Well done. Me: Thanks. That’s nice of you, I’m really nervous.
Why does a chicken coup have only 2 doors
If it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan. Ok, I'm leaving …..
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I am opening a new gay club called ‟Garage Sale”
because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.
I ordered a thesaurus online, but when it arrived and I opened it, the whole book was empty, all pages blank!
There are no words to describe how mad I am!
Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind, you won’t get it.
I’m fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana
But coccaine is where I draw the line
I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”
Thankfully it was just a virus.
A Construction Company
A construction company was once working on a large corporate building. The manager was overseeing it's construction, making sure every beam was squared and every brick was the right shade. After all, he had even hired artists to add bright murals to the place. Halfway through the making of this, a worker approached the manager. The worker says, "Sir, isn't this building a bit colorful for a corporate workplace? I mean, we can barely transport all this dye with the forklift!" To which the manager replies, "Not to worry my friend! It'll work! You just need to expand your pallet!"
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?
Because he was lacktoes intolerant
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
I wish I was a lost redditor
No text found
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union