Conservatives IRL – Michigan edition
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
A few days ago I learnt what confirmation bias meant.
Now I see it everywhere.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
I really hate One Direction fans.
Oscillating ones cool the room much better.
What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?
The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
A bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
I used to shave my testicles with a razor blade.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
I was in a taxi when the driver said..
I was in a taxi when the driver said“I love my job! I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!”. I said “Great. Now take a left here!”
My friend can’t afford his water bill…
So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.
Why did the doctor get angry ?
Because he lost his patients .
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
A black hole walks into a bar
A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender asks if it would like food with that. The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
I’m developing a game which simulates your parents using the internet.
It's called the Elder Scrolls Online.
Why were the Men in Black at Bruce Wayne’s Mansion?
his parents just died
My wife & I decided to not have children.
We're not kidding.
Got my friend with this one, she was not too happy…
Me: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Friend: Seriously!? Who!? Me: Uh, I can't remember… I think her name was Reese something? Friend: WITHERSPOON!!?? Me: No, it was with a knife…
It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
Did you hear about the 8 that fell over?
It took them forever to get back up.
I once swallowed a book of synonyms.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
(sigh)
My dad and his sibling were talking and they just kept going on about how there generation is more hardworking and we’re all lazy 🤦♀️. I wanted to say ok boomer so badly.