Conservatives would have cheered for rise of The Empire and the fall of Liberty.
129 bugs in the code.
The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.
Repairs will be futile.
It would appear I'm in a bit of a jam.
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
They would call it crucifact.
You press the button and six floors come down.
To get some fresh beets.
crows did all their drinking at home.
Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet? Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born. Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy? Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head. Girl 3: Jwoandbwoqmsbonbf, whwhsbsowngk Father: Shut up cinderblock
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.
but the punchline doesn't fit, its from another Tupperware joke
It was the least I could do for the guy.
He had an apartment complex.
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it’s like for a selfless guy to go down on them.
It just gives us some scents of perp puss.
The stock market.
A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”
“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”
Because tea leaves.
He said he tried it once while in college, but it was so bad that he hasn't got the balls to try it again.
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
They both came in a little behind
But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄 Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲 Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree. Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓 Me: Oooof Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you? Him: I wooden know about that
Where’d the Van Gogh?
He likes to keep up with current events.
You make a flowchart
“No idea, they just ransomware.”
He really Haddaway with words.
I told her to get out of my fort.
Bartender asks "What can I get ya?" The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary." Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks." On the third's turn he orders "Hot water." Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?" To which the third vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and answers, "I'm just going to make some tea."
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
He became trans-parent.