Console
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches…
He said only thyme would tell.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
*burgler gently waking me*
You live like this?
If you touch an electric fence on purpose…
…does it still count as a shock?
My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple
Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.
One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers. When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it. When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it. When they got to the third barrier, Thor took out Mjolnir and bopped a hole in it. Then they got to the fourth wall, and Deadpool said, "Am I supposed to be the punchline to this joke?"
Somebody threw a jar of mayonnaise at me…
I was like: What the Hellman
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you
You have my Word
What’s the difference between a Cat and a Comma?
One has claws at the end of the paws… The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I don’t know what to do with the letters
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
What’s red and bad for you’re teeth?
A Brick.
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Ban pre shredded cheese.
Make America grate again!
I once ate a dictionary
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had
Wanna hear a joke about coronavirus?
Never mind, you probably won't get it.
– I wish I was a billionaire, just like my dad
Oh, so your dad was a billionaire? No, he also wished he were.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentists…
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates
They will kill your dog
![Christopher Woken [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/9l85a9bqslt41-400x1280.jpg)
I’ve asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for.
I never get a straight answer.
Who decided to call them “murder hornets”
and not “buzzkills”?
