Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride: “I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”
“What is it?” his new bride asked lovingly. “I’m a golf fanatic,” he said. “I think about golf constantly. I’ll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win.” His new bride pondered this for a moment and said: “I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I’m a hooker.” “No problem,” said her husband. “Just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up.”
“Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!” My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist :(
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I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
I have a confession to make, I was addicted to soap.
But I’m clean now.
My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?" The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the checkout counter." "I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six pack and headed for the checkout. The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six pack of beer. "We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said "The curlers are on the house."
I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
How Long is a Chinese name
No seriously, it is
A man walks into a bar and sees a man that looks like Adolph Hitler
sitting at the end of the bar. He walks up to him and asks "are you really Hitler?" The man stands up and says loudly, "Ja, ich bin Adolph Hitler. I killed 6 million Jews and 1 Mexican." The man says, "wait, why did you kill a Mexican?" Hitler says "Sehen Sie! See? That is what i mean, no one cares about the jews."
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
My dad made his first dad joke in a long time
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.” I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens. And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
[NSFW] How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
Why is suicide illegal in china?
Destruction of state property
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right. Edit thanks for the silver u/WindyDizzel
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride
An elderly man finds he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. He goes to see the Indian and the medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The medicine man replies, "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year." The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123." Suddenly he has the most gigantic erection he has ever had, just as the medicine man had promised. His wife, who had been facing away from him reading a book, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars
What’s ET short for?
he’s got small legs
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
Why was six afraid of seven
Because seven was a well known six offender
You can do better
You can do better
So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
I keep asking what does LGBT mean
I can’t even get a straight answer
Don’t spell part backwards
It’s a trap
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
What’s it called when a hooker farts?
A prosti-toot
Why is it wrong to punch the wall when you’re frustrated?
The wall has never been anything but supportive.