Context: she hates when I quack at her
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
My nurse co-worker just posted this
What Minecraft components are in physics
Why did the fisherman cross the road?
Just for the Halibut
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
How do astronauts say sorry?
HOW i got rich
One rich man is asked how he got rich. He answers: I bought one unwashed apple in the market for a dollar, washed it and sold it for 2, then bought 2 unwashed apples, washed it and sold it for 4. -And so gradually you got rich? – No, after 2 years, my grandmother died and left me a legacy of 4 billion dollars, and I stopped doing nonsense
I used to date a baker
But I broke up with her because she was too kneady.
Who takes photos with a tablet anyway?
A prodigy classic.
It’s what the founding fathers would’ve wanted
“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
But *THIS* time, we can expect a different result
ight imma panic
You got any corny jokes?
I'm all ears
I wouldn’t put it past Pizza Hut to be like this…
Vote to Impeach
Never trust an atom. They make up everything!
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…
Now don't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Is it true?
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and receive eternal life.”
But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.
My boss accused me of stealing, and fired me from my job at the furniture store. But I regret nothing.
Sometimes you have to take a stand.
“How much to buy a singing ensemble?” “You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”
Back up your shit!
This playstore thing. Never gonna keep up with them. That’s why people look apple.
Don’t belittle kids.
Be tall, it's much better.
Im doing the same ngl
Poland bad, UK good.
Starting new project
Christmas music bad
you like to move it
A man has to choose from his 3 girlfriends
A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it. The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much." The third woman took the $5,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned $5,000 to the man and reinvested the rest. She said, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, and then he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
Just wait until next year!!
What do you call someone afraid of Santa?
After 20 years of working on it, I finally finished my physics book.
It was about time.
Two ladies in heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
I saw my nephew after a long time, and said “Wow! You must have grown a foot since I saw you last!”
He said, “No. I still have two.”
Why does the Keyboard work 24 hours…
Because, it has two shifts.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
Why is there 2 d’s in ‘Reddit’?
Because one is a repost.
They take PHAGES…
My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”
That spoke volumes.
Still feels true after 8 years…
Living in the 20s
Two jumper cables walk into a bar
The bartender goes, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything!"
I signed up for my company’s 401k but I have one concern
I’m not sure I can run that far
I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
It’s “live free or die”, not “live free or get everyone else killed by a pandemic”.
Pair programming be like
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
Me as a Louisville basketball fan right now…
FORTRAN, SASL, MATLAB, Julia, Mathematica, Smalltalk, Lua , Erlang, APL
Why did the Mexican keep a wheel of cheddar in his truck?
In Queso emergencies