Cop on Horse
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
It’s always awkward
It’s always awkward
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
Do you know the antonyms of the following words?
Always Coming From Take Me Down
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
Whats red and smells like yellow paint
Red paint
The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don’t know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?
Three guys interviewing to be a detective. The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that" He calls them into his office one by one. The first guy goes in and is shown a picture of a recently captured criminal. Tattooed face, large scar, he's quite recognisable. The inspector says, "Take a close look, and I want you to memorize and remember all the features that will help you identify this man in a crowd" After a minute, the man is done. The Inspector turns the picture over and says, "Well, go on, describe him to me" The man responds, "Well it wouldn't be hard to find this guy, given that he has only one ear". The inspector stares blankly, turns the picture over and says, "What sort of a moron are you? This is a side profile of the man.. don't tell me you thought… ugh, get out and stop wasting my time!" The second guy is called in and given the same challenge. After his minute he says, "Well, I couldn't really focus on much other than the fact that he has only one eye" Visibly frustrated, the inspector bellows, "What is wrong with you people, do you not know what a side profile is?! Get out, and call the last guy in!!" The last guy comes in and is given the same challenge. The inspector adds, "You know what, take 5 minutes.. and think carefully before you answer" 5 minutes later, the young man turns the picture over himself and says, "You know, I'll bet he wears contact lenses" The inspector scrunches his eyebrows and then squints at the young man in silence for a few moments. Not wanting to potentially get embarrassed, he excuses himself to go check the man's criminal profile. 2 minutes later, he steps back in. A pleased but puzzles look on his face, he says, "Well, yes.. yes he does wear contacts lenses. How could you tell?" Visibly delighted with himself, the young man beams back with a smile, "Oh, it took a while to think of it, but there's no way he could wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear"
I had to break up with my boyfriend after he lost his feet in an accident…
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.
I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
Guys my calendar is really sick..
I think its days are numbered.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Who's the lucky man, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
Did you hear about the guy who got caught pirating Captain Marvel?
He got charged with Brie Larceny
Dictionary to Thesaurus: When are you ever better than me?
Thesaurus: I can give you more than one example.
There’s no way video games cause violence.
If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.
A man accidentally elbows a woman’s boob
as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me." To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."
Bob the mailman
A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's having an affair with Bob the mailman." "What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?" "That's right," says the first guy. "Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?"
I’m amazed by dry-erase boards…
They’re remarkable.
I got a letter from the President today! I knew exactly which quote to pair it with.
https://ift.tt/2QNcAUD
Confessing your sins [NSFW i guess]
A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him P – What sins have you done, son? S – I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her P – That's a big sin but I'll forgive you, son S – Thank you father but i have sinned another time, i went to my mother in law to send her something and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her as well P – That's a second time so that's worse but I'll forgive you my son S – Thank you very much father but i sinned another time, I finished work and before going out it started raining, the secretary and I got stuck in the building, things heated up and i fucked her as well! The priest checks out of the window and sees that it had started to get cloudy and he says P – You better get the fuck out right fucking now
I’ve heard so much about the “Eye Of The Tiger”, but how come no one talks about…
…the other four letters?
I finally finished my book about clocks
And if you ask me, it’s about time.
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
My 7 year old daughter
Driving home from my family's Christmas party. Daughter – Dad, on Friday I need some French fries. Me – confused..why?? Daughter – because it's Fry-day. So proud.
Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
No text found
My wife found out I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
My boss the cannibal told me that eating people was company policy…
I found it a little hard to swallow.
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
No text found
My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to her.
My Uncle used to say: “when one door closes, another opens”
He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
Accidental Dad Joke
Story time: So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house. Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?" Me: "Yes mom." Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice" Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice…" Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."