I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
A dead centipede.
She replies, "if you incest".
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.
Same middle name.
He couldn’t spell. Edit: J. K. Rowling has just notified me that this wizard was also gay. I’m not sure why that was relevant & I though the joke was good on its own, but she really wanted to clarify.
Any more and it would be two farty…
Then she looked in the freezer
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
But they only became more sluggish
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.
Story time: So over the holiday, while visiting my mom, she asked me to run and pick up some groceries she had on her shopping list. So of course, I pack up my kids and we are off to the store. As I am perusing the juice aisle, my daughter squeals, "ELSA!!!!" Sure enough, there was Elsa, on the label of a bottle of apple juice. I thought, "Apple juice is on the list and it will make my daughter happy? Boom getting it!" Fast forward to putting groceries away at my mom's house. Mom: "Did you get everything on my list?" Me: "Yes mom." Mom: as I am handing her the Elsa apple juice "Oh I wanted you to get the frozen apple juice" Me: my face shifting from a look of irritation to a stupid-cheesy smirk "That IS Frozen apple juice…" Mom: fighting the urge to smack me while rolling her eyes "OMG."
Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty.
He was gladiator.
I said, "Yes, when I picked up the phone."
…it made a bolt for the door.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
So instead, a sub Reddit.
They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.
The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
I ordered a thesaurus online, but when it arrived and I opened it, the whole book was empty, all pages blank!
There are no words to describe how mad I am!
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
You will get jurasskicked
They shake! Bwahahahahaha