Copyright
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Does February march?
No, but April may!
Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale. "Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!" The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
I am sick and tired of millenials and their entitled attitude.
Always walking around like they rent the place.
There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, βGood morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?β With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. βWait, ladies,β cried the professor, βThe boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!β
Will glass coffins become popular?
Remains to be seen
I’ve been standing under citrus trees all day.
I feel sublime!
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
I asked a midget for a dollar today….
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Gay jokes arenβt funny
Cum on guys
What do lawyers wear to work?
A lawsuit.
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are okay by themselves, but get horribly racist when 3 of them get together.
Thereβs only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
Ah yes… because boomers were the only ones that got injured from playing outside. π
https://ift.tt/340rTxe
If God was a woman.
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
I was really excited about the final season ~ Now Iβm just sad π€·ββοΈ
I was really excited about the final season ~ Now Iβm just sad π€·ββοΈ
What’s Thanos’ favourite game? [OC]
Half Life.
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Edit: Thank you for silver
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well Iβll be damned.
My dad kept making a joke about interrupting cow
He was obviously milking it
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didnβt like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…