Copyright
My neighbour and I became good friends, so we decided to rent a space together to park our cars.
We have….a lot in common.
A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down…
a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!” “What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief. The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. “I’ll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.” He offers while holding on to her hand. “Absolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I don’t want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!” At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman let’s go of her hand and she continues to fall. On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims “I’ll suck!! I’ll fuck!! I’ll do anything for you!!” The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: “What a whore” and proceeds to drop her.
The doc came in and let me know he was here to deliver our baby
I told him that we would prefer if the baby kept its liver.
I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
No ones given me a straight answer.
Why did the sperm cross the road
I put on the wrong sock this morning.
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur
What did you learn at school today?
Not much. Apparently I need to go back tomorrow.
I’m reading a book about the history of glue.
I just can't seem to put it down.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils… because they dilate.
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
Two guys are sitting at a bar and both have black eyes
They laugh about the situation, and one guy says to the other, “What happened to you?” “Well”, he says, “I was at the airport and I go up to the counter to find this gorgeous, chesty woman working. And instead of saying, ‘Hi, I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘Hi, I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’, and she punched me in the eye. What happened to you?”, he asks the other man. The second man replies, “I was sitting at the table with my wife having breakfast. I meant to ask her, ‘Honey, can you please pass the Post Toasties?’ But I accidentally said, ‘You’re ruining my life, you fucking bitch.’”
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Then it would be a foot.
A Jewish man sent his son to Jerusalem for vacation.
Upon his son's return, the father finds out that his son has turned Christian! So, the father goes to his friend for emotional support. He says “Ethan, I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” His friend said, “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! They both decide to go to their Synagogue and talk to the Rabbi. “Rabbi, Ethan and I sent our sons over to Jerusalem, and they came back Christian”! “That’s odd…” the Rabbi said “I sent my son over to Jerusalem, and he came back Christian too”! Utterly dumbfounded, all three of the men decide to fly over to Jerusalem to see if they can get any answers. The three men arrive in Jerusalem and looked around for the better part of a day and found no clues. So, they go to the West wall and kneel down. The Rabbi prays, “Oh, God! Give us wisdom. We sent our sons to Jerusalem, and each one came back Christian”! As they were kneeling, God said, ”That’s odd…” Edit: a word
A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today’s meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop…
I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room…
If God was a woman.
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
How many Jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
Who needs lightbulbs when you have eight candles?
You should always knock before opening the fridge..
Just in case there is a Salad Dressing
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
/u/username hates the hotel he is staying in and starts packing his stuff.
Username checks out.
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
“My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it's what he would have wanted."
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
"No idea, they just ransomware."
A lady comes home from her doctor’s
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
My dad told me that he wished me a deep hole filled with water
I know he meant well
An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show
The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box. He then says”Can you see me now?” And they answer: “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja”
I used to think all black people had boomboxes.
Turned out it was just a stereo type.
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
I was in the bank earlier, when the woman behind the counter started singing, “Downtown”…
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”
“No, shit, Sherlock.”
“Dad, I’m so happy! I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
https://ift.tt/2NMRNzn
I once grabbed a slippery soap…
It got out of hand pretty quickly
I was using my drill at work when all of a sudden it heated up so much, it caught fire!
So I called up Dewalt and they said: “not to worry! It’s just a fire drill.” REDDIT! IM GOING TO BE A DAD!!! 😀
