Core believe in god is theism .Lakh believe in god is atheism.
March fourth! (I told this to my coworkers and none of them appreciated my sense of humor)
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
I was driving my daughter (10F) to her dance class. Although we have taken this route countless times before and she never said a word about it before, she did this time and said as she was looking out the window while driving by a particular area, "Why would anyone build a daycare next to a cemetery?" Without thought, I said "I don't know, but I bet their neighbors are quiet" There was a second or two pause and then she said "Daaaaaaad." My chest puffed up with pride for several miles as I thought I had just crossed the line into Dad Jokedom!
To cover it’s butt-quack.
So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Remains to be seen
You'll get jurasskicked..
I really enjoy watching the end credits.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
It’s a total rip-off!
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yup." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss…" "Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now." "Let's go," the assassin says. So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope. "They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off." The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot. "Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks. "Hold on a minute," said the assassin, "I think I can save you 10K".
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
A "roamin" Catholic.
You don't want to press your luck…
When suddenly it dawned on me
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
Man: "I’d say honesty ." Hiring manager: "I don't think that's a weakness." Man: "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Because he was a known quack dealer
But now it’s just water under the fridge…
I've seen that doctors are saying you should avoid close physical contact to stop the spread of coronavirus. Somehow she knew about this years ago.
The second one’s a repost.
you say it in a British accent.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”