Corona bad, husband WORSE
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was…
It was a brief case…
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade
I keep asking people what LGBT stands for.
No ones given me a straight answer.
What do you call an alligator in a vest
An investigator
Reason why you should take up marathon training
It will help you in the long run.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
MY SO left me because I’m too insecure
Oh wait nvm, she's back. Just went to go to the bathroom.
An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: “I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.
The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once – the shield cracks; twice – the shield falls apart; thrice – the American is no more. Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position and goes into deep hibernation. The Devil strikes once – nothing; twice – the Indian shivers a bit; thrice – the Indian grunts, but lives. The Devil is amazed and tells him he's free to go. The Indian asks "May I stay and watch? In all jokes the Russians somehow come out on top. I want to see how he will do it this time". The Devil nods and turns to the Russian: "So, what will you use as a shield?" The Russian: "The Indian, of course".
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
Why is booze better than carrots?
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
My girlfriend changed a lot since becoming a vegan
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
My teenage son treats me like a god.
He acts like I don't exist, until he wants something.
Why was the Nickelodeon character Avatar Aang so controversial?
He was trans-bender
They’re finally making a movie about clocks…
…it's about time.
In a nutshell, an acorn is just an oak tree
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Why did Star Wars 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?
Because in charge of the schedule Yoda was.
Have you ever tried wanking with a dead arm???
I just got kicked out of another funeral home…..
My wife told me to stop doing my flamingo impression
I had to put my foot down
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!” The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.” After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a “breakfast for champions” in front of him, and he is like… what???…
A married man arrives piss drunk to his home, he hardly makes it into his house after making a mess… in the morning he wakes up with a "breakfast for champions" in front of him, and he is like… what???… He looks down to his in-bed breakfast and sees waffles, scrambled eggs with bacon, a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, an ice cold beer, a couple of aspirins, and a note that simply says "love you". He stumbles outside the room and sees broken glass, a broken lamp, mud (or vomit) in the carpet, half the clothes he was wearing the day before stinking of alcohol and cigarette laying in the floor… he has no idea what happened, so he calls for his son. "where is your mom?" He asks. "she went to the store to get a new door lock" The kid answers. "ok… do you know what happened yesterday?" "i sure do" says the kid; "you came home at around 5am drunk off your mind, you parked the car in the front lawn, after doing a couple of doughnuts on the front lawn with the car, then, you couldnt fit the key on the front door, and started knocking the door really hard and yelling for us to open, waking the neighbors that where still not awake because of the car parking, but you didnt wait for us, so you ended up kicking open the door after failing to force your way in…" "…afterwards, you stumbled into the table at the entrance breaking the lamp grandma left mom before she passed away…" "…after that, you tried to go up the stairs, and knocked off the wall most of the framed pictures we had hanging, thats when you vomited all over yourself." "So, what happened then?" asked the still hung over man. "Me and mom reached you half way up the stairs and understood you couldnt be talked to, so we dragged you up the stairs, by then you where trying to undress yourself, but couldnt really do it. You only got half your shirt off so mom unbuttoned the rest and then reached for your pants…" "And then what happened????" "Well, mom was trying to take your vomit soaked pants off when you very strongly pushed her aside, and yelled, "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU WHORE! IM A MARRIED MAN!" just before blacking out.
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark Naked
What do you call a group of Russian pessimists?
A so-be-it union.
What did they find under Michael Jackson’s pillow?
Billy's Jeans
What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
I was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
People treat me like a god
They ignore my existence unless they need something
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
The bible is the greatest story ever told.
And to hell with anyone who doesn’t believe me.
I once dated a girl that collected magazines.
But she had too many issues.
I hate using Microsoft internet browsers
It has me on Edge
We’re in too deep, of a sleep.
We’re in too deep, of a sleep.
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values. At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "…..but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you?" He said, "…Scr*w him ………give him a dollar." The blonde then blushed and said, "….But the breakfast was my idea."
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.