Coronorton Antivirus
Stalin appears to Putin in a dream
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
What is the abbreviation for “we have a thing”
No text found
READ BEFORE POSTING: Memeless Monday is now in effect!
Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found on the first page of a google search using keywords and it isn’t a quick edit of an existing template, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who’s the most vicious vampire among them.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber’s van parked in our drive
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy whoβs dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "Iβm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and itβs the ministerβs turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Machine learning: “I’m as intelligent as human beings”. Also machine learning:
https://ift.tt/36gtLDH
Hey guys, YouTube recommended me a video on “How to identify if a guy is gay”.
Easiest would be to ask them, then again we wouldn't know if they're gonna give a straight answer.
What kind of Dr was Dr.Pepper
He was a Fizzsician
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So Iβve gotten into the habit of saying βwhen I was your age…β and then describing what I did 2 days ago
The bible is the greatest story ever told.
And to hell with anyone who doesnβt believe me.
Why did miss piggie break off their engagement?
She was afraid of kermitment
Tetris is a good game
In fact, you could even say it was a blockbuster
An old man was on his death bed.
He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I put in a cheque for the full amount."
What do boobs and the sun have in common?
You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses
I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, “Caution, I’m a maneater”. I walked up to the girl and timidly said, “Excuse me, Miss…about your shirt.”
She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt." I looked at her, confused and said,"That's actually not what I was going to say at all." "Ohβ¦" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?" "That's not how you spell manatee."
I asked my mom “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
I had an out of body experience recently.
I was beside myself.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
Itβs something I could always see myself doing
Whenever Iβm in trouble, I think, ‘what would Jesus do?’
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for three days.
Common sense is like AIDS.
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us"? "You should go outside and help the poor man". Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out "Do you still need a push"? In the distance he hears a reply "Yes Please". "Where are you" to which he hears "Over here on the swing set"
How does Bigfoot know what time it is?
He looks at his sasquatch. I made this up at work. It's a dad-joke for sure. I googled it and found no record of it. What do I win?
A muslim woman is getting arrested
The police officer handcuffs her βYou have the right to remain silentβ he says. She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior. βWhy, you see, Iβm just happy to finally have a right!β
What’s Neil Armstrong’s name backwards?
Gnorts Mr Alien π½ (Illuminati theme song playin')
I went out with a one legged girl once who worked in a brewery.
She was in charge of the hops.
What happened in Hong Kong this week?
According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.
Waiter: Do you want a box for your leftovers?
No. But I'll wrestle you for them.
What is the opposite of minimum?
minidad
I have a good Tupperware joke
but the punchline doesn't fit, its from another Tupperware joke