Could be us but you playin.
I once walked in on my teachers having sex
Being homeschooled was never easy for me
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
Me, at the hot dog stand: Can I get a jumbo sausage?
Hot dog guy: Sure. Wonโt be long. Me: Yikes. In that case, can I have two?
A fly felt something bite his back…
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
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Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks
They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them. The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, โlisten, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!โ The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind it's tearable.
What do you call a bacterial disease caused by two grizzlies ?
Twobearculousis
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down โWhy Nice Guys Finish Lastโ to you guys. The โNice guyโ is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw
to be frank,
I'd have to change my name
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
I cut a tie in half
And dropped them at the same time which half won? Neither. It was a tie.
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Who is this Rorschach guy
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting
In America some dogs are K-9
In China some dogs are E-10
I donโt trust stairs
Theyโre always up to something
A woman goes to buy a parrot, the prices are $200, $100 and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheep.
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
A farmer has triplets, and they’re getting ready for prom night
. The first date arrives, and in redneck tradition, the farmer greets him with a shotgun in hand. The boy tells the farmer, "My name is Teddy, I'm here to pick up Betty, we're going to get spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer looks the boy over, and then calls Betty to go with him. The second date arrives, and greeted by shotgun, nervously states, "My name is Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're gonna see a show, can she go?" The farmer thinks for a moment, then lets Flo go with Joe. The night's third suitor rings the bell. He says "My name is Chuck-" and the farmer shoots him.
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, โThis is so unrealistic.โ
I said, โJust because youโre unwilling to try new things, doesnโt mean everyoneโs that frigid.โ โNot that,โ she explained, โItโs just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.โ
We’re starting to have a problem with violent posts. Yall need to calm down. This is a humor sub.
Over the last couple weeks or so, the mod team has noticed an increase of mouthbreathing morons posting dumb violent memes that violently target political opponents, either attacks against the politicians themselves or the underlying voting bloc. Not only has this stuff been posted, some of it has been getting upvoted.First off the bat, none of that is humor.Second, what the fuck?So beyond this point, the mod team is going to crack down on this stuff a lot more solidly. Post a meme about Ilhan Omar getting eaten by pigs? Instaban. Post a meme about paying five dollars to tie Mitch McConnel down and punch him in the face? Instaban. Posting a meme about how liberals or conservatives need to take the “plastic bag challenge?” Instaban. Shooting people on the border? Instaban. Shooting cops? Instaban.”But mod, isn’t defending these people the same thing as defending the political beliefs that they stand for”No it’s not you sniveling moron. You utter buffoon. When you were growing up with your little brother, your mom still stopped you from murdering his ass even when he broke your Lego Space Shuttle for the fourth time. What a dumb fucking question, idiot.”But mod, don’t you understand that the fate of American politics rides upon me posting this meme to your subreddit? You’re censoring my free speech and ruining the United States”AAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA. For those of you doubting this, this is a real argument that people send us in modmail all the time.”But mod, this isn’t a call to violence, it’s just a funny meme about how my least favorite politician needs to be held accountable for their crimes”I’m sorry, you must be over the age of 13 to have a Reddit account.”But mod, saying “Guillotine” or “Helicopter Ride” isn’t a serious call to violence”You’re not only wrong, you’re stupid and wrong, which is the worse kind of wrong.No further questons.
Shrรถdingerโs Homo Thought Experiment
I would like to take this time to discuss the thought experiment of Schrรถdingerโs Homo. You all have probably heard of Schrรถdingerโs Cat, as well as people saying โno homoโ after a seemingly homosexual type of interaction. I believe there is a problem in this philosophy. If you do not think, or say anything that implies the existence of there being homo, then therefore, we do not know if there is homo in the situation. However, by saying โno homoโ, you immediately imply the possible existence of homo in the situation, and therefore, there is homo and you have ruined the entire situation. Therefore by saying โno homoโ it does actually mean that it is homo.
How many lightning bugs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.
“Why are you telling me this story about a male hen?” I asked the bartender, confused.
He just looked at me and replied, "You asked for a cock tale, sir."
Sex with ghosts
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Hamid raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Why can’t a nose be longer than 12 inches?
Because then it would be a foot
Why is “o” the loudest vowel?
Because all the other vowels are in audible.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see whoโs best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: โWhen I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.โ โI found a bear by the stream,โ says the minister, โand preached Godโs holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.โ They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. โLooking back,โ he says, โmaybe I shouldnโt have started with the circumcision.
Give โem the punchline first!
How do you tell a good joke about time travel?
I saw my son reading Fahrenheit 451, and I asked him whether he liked it.
He said, โIts pretty lit.โ
(NSFL) Dog
An animal lover, a zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist are talking. Animal lover: We should get a dog! Zoophile: and fuck him Sadist: and torture him Pyromaniac: and set him one fire Necrophile: and fuck the corpse Masochist: woof
Iโm a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I donโt know what to make of it.
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
Do you find out the secret of the whore?
First of all, itโs a long one and I am not a native speaker. Would be great if within the comments some native speakers might improve it so it is even better for the people to follow ๐ I will update the joke after some time! Thanks!! And now Letโs start! โโโ JOKE STARTS HERE โโ- There is guy who had not had sex for a veeeeery long time. As he is single and some dates went against his expectations he wants to go to a brothel to have a nice time. He takes a cab and after a short ride and a grinning face of the cab driver he arrived at his destination. At the entry he is asked by the bawd what his preferences are. โNothing special. I just want to have a good time. Can you recommend someone or something?โ โUhhh…there is someone really special now for few days in this location!โ โWhats so special about her?โ the guy asked quite interested. โSimple. She is giving you a blowjob and whilst doing this will sing a beautiful song!โ โHow the fuck is this possible???โ โNo idea. You have to try! Last floor. 3rd door!โ The guy puts his money on the table and runs upstairs standing in front of the said door. Slowly opening there is a beautiful woman sitting in a room on her bed. The guy jumps in with a lot of anticipation immediately getting nude and asking the woman she shall start with what the bawd had told. The woman is looking at him smiling: โWow. Someone canโt wait anymore. But first you have to play my rules!โ โHuh!?!โ, the guy replied bewildered. โThe rules are clear: You sit on my bed. Getting nude – thatโs what you already have done this time. I will shut down the lights, entering the bathroom enclosed to this room. Will come back after I have prepared few things and will start with the show!โ โOk.โ the guy responded confused, but yet willing to follow what she has said. And there it goes. Lights go out. She walks into the bathroom. Comes back. And the show starts with an oral explosion. And if this might be enough the woman sings the most beautiful version of โsomewhere over the rainbowsโ he ever heard. After 30 secs he cums grabbing the hairs of the woman. The woman stops. And asks the guy to just wait for a moment and puts the light on! The guy is just completely impressed and gets back home. Laying home in his bed he is still thinking about this awkward blowjob and tries to figure out how the fuck this woman can give the best and tightest blowjob he ever received, but yet is singing like a goddess. โHow the fuck is this possible?โ, he thinks and swears to find out the next day paying attention to every detail. Next day. Next evening. The guy is standing in front of the bawd again. Throwing once again his money on the table and yelling โThe singing woman again!โ. The bawd just grins and opens the door to the stairs. Last floor. Third door. The woman recognizes him and tells him he has to follow the rules! So he sits down on the bed getting nude. Light are turned off. The woman goes to the bathroom. Comes back in darkness and starts to blow and sing. The orgasm is awesome and the song is brilliant. Evening and adventure ends. So he is laying in his bed again at home and still has no fucking clue what happened. โTomorrow i will find out. There must be a rational solution to all of this!โ And so he decides to visit the brothel ONE more time the next evening. The bawd laughs. โOnce again our special blowjob??โ โYes!โ. So he runs upstairs and he fucking swears to find out the secret today! The woman awaits him. And reminds him to follow the rules otherwise he will be kicked out with no cash back!! โI do!! I do!!!โ So the lights been shut down. He sits in the bed and this time…instead of getting nude…he decides to turn on the light. So he triggers the switch. Enlightening the room. And as the guy inspects the room. He sees a glass eye on the night stand next to the bed.
I just got accepted into the most popular anger management group.
Itโs all the rage.