Could you say it’s ruined because it’s on the wrong sub?
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.
The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, “I read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.” The redhead says, “well I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boy” The blonde starts wailing and crying “oh god! I’m going to have puppies!!”
It’s completely my fault
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
They where made in grease.
To blow off some steam 🙅♂️🚂
It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.” I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.” Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!” I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified. I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs…. “YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!”
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
… There used to be two of them, and now everyone is REAL SENSITIVE about it
A magician stood in front of a crowd and claimed that he could disappear. He counted, “Uno..dos..” and was suddenly gone.
He disappeared without a tres.
The bellhop asks: "Hello, can i help with your luggage?" "Oh thanks, no need, i am travelling light."
With cutting edge technology.
There haven't been any posts all year! australia squad
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
She keeps denying it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
-is dealing with all the… spills!!!
But now it’s all water under the fridge.
Even the cake was in tiers.
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…
It was a blessing in disguise.
I was at the museum recently and asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He replied…
"No, they have to stay on the walls."
but none of them seem to work.
Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.
But I never met herbivore.
It's cutting edge technology.
It's what he would have wanted…
All that was left was de Brie.
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.
Because they can't keep a straight face
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
“I don’t know, but I’m sure it was some barberian.”