Couldn’t not do it
Are people born with a photographic memory?
Or does it take time to develop?
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.
Why did the crab cross the road?
He didn't. He used the sidewalk.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Jail is more than just a word…
… it's a sentence
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
I’m flying to India to try their famous sandwiches.
Everyone keeps raving about their new deli…
A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings…
The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'
My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.
Wife’s best friend: how come you never buy her flowers?
Me: I didn’t even know she was selling flowers
“How many digits of pi do you know?” – “All of them…
I just always forget the order!”
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador
I wonder what my wife’s favourite US state is.
Maybe Alaska.
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
The guy who invented predictive text died last night…
his funfair is next monkey
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
A bear walks in to a bar
"I'd like a whisky and……………coke" Bartender "why the big pause?" Bear "i don't know, i was born with'em"
Any one can take my old batteries from me without paying
They’re free of charge
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
I named my eraser Confidence.
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make.
I can list every single number that’s in Pi.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
I used to smoke weed and go to the class…
sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse Code
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender say, “ we don’t serve food here”
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.