Country boys make do
The man who invented autocorrect has died.
May he roast in piss.
Amazing… she managed to point out her and her father’s amazing ineptitude in one fell swoop.
https://ift.tt/2MvvFYh
Too real
Too real
what do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAIIINSSS!!!
Saw 10 homeless ants
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
What can’t cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
iPhone 12 Commercial Parody – 48 CAMERAS!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-1h1wU-ODM&ab_channel=DanielJacobsFilms
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
Women are actually turning into good drivers.
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
Later at the trial: I object that HE interrupted me when I was watching Ow My Balls!
Later at the trial: I object that HE interrupted me when I was watching Ow My Balls!
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
I just quit my job at the Helium plant
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
Why did the weightlifter start losing IQ points?
Because he kept hanging out with dumbbells.
I know a great joke about unrefined oil, but I can’t post it here.
It's a little too crude.
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children
My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over
So I packed her shit and left.
What do you call a pit full of donkeys?
An asshole
What’s the difference between a sentence and a cat?
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
If Iron Man was a woman…
Would we call her Fe-Male?
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
5. 1 to change the bulb and 4 to shoot the room up for being black
“What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
“Anything these days,” I told my son.
He frowned a little. "What's that?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Huh?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "I don't understand. Explain?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. He sighed loudly. "Are you crazy, dad?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked. There was a pause. "Anything these days," I continued. At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!" There was a silence. "This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for Fresh Prints.
[NSFW] Senior Sex
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"
I told the wife I could make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta
President Trump said “No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly.”
I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count *edit had 4 in post originally
The best joke I can think of is quarantine.
If you don't get it, it's because it's an inside joke.
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
My dad always told me that I am special, that I’m the 1%.
Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday